Laura's Place

Conviction from my 8 year old

2008-07-26T12:40:00.000-07:00

I am an expressive driver. Too slow, too fast, I comment. So when I made a comment about a lady driving the other day, the response from Emma shouldn't have suprised me,but it did.
Me: "Hey lady, speed it up!"
Emma: "Did you just say "Hey idiot speed it up?"
Me: "No, I said "hey lady, speed it up."
Emma: "OH! Cuz I couldn't imagine Jesus driving down the streets of gold shouting "hey idiot, speed it up"

I definately learned my lesson.

Kentucky Favorites

2008-06-06T18:15:00.001-07:00

I saw these places I felt showed a beautiful part of Kentucky. I wasn't able to get the outhouse...but next time I will

June 5th, 2008

2008-06-06T18:04:00.000-07:00

Our 3 Year Wedding Anniversary
It's gone quick. It seems like yesterday & forever at the same time.

My pay raise

2008-05-09T12:55:00.001-07:00

In a more comical approach, I noticed I got my pay raise. I'd like to thank good ol' retail for making me realize once more why I'm pursuing my nursing degree not only for a job I will love, but one that I could fill my gas tank.
Here it is: I am now making a whopping .09 cents more an hour. I should be thankful, right?
The smart Alec I am, I let my boss know that didn't cover the difference in gas that it now costs me to get to work.
So, in humor I write the following:
I have one shift a week on Saturday, due to the lack of hours available at the store that starts with an S & merged with a K, it's four hours. In one week, I might take home after taxes $20. I have to put in enough gas for 2 gallons because I have a minivan gas hog that gets 18 mpg & that's my approximate distance one way- 18 miles. My shift is usually from 9-1, get up at 7am, leave house at 8:15, drop kids at Grandparents at 8:40, get to work by 9. Work until 1, leave, get kiddos, get home by 2. So, I'm gone for about 6 hours for $20 after tax, earning $12 after I pay for gas. So I thought I was staying for the discount, but now I'm thinking it's time to say adios. I figured out that with my "not even with the cost of living raise" from the big S that merged with the Big K that each year I will get about an extra $24. And I am so thankful for that. That is about a third of the cost to fill my minivan gas tank - which last time I filled it cost $70 before it went to $3.85 the other day. I wonder if the highway made racetracks along side the roads if we could start riding horses to work? There's enough uncut grass in this state to feed them. Instead of asking hubby for a more gas efficient car & cramming everyone in I might ask him for a horse. Hey hon, can I have a horse for Mothers Day?

Battle of the Wills

2008-05-09T12:44:00.000-07:00

Today has been a very trying day.
Lindsay is stubborn. I'm sure almost every child goes through this, but I don't remember it being this much of a battle.
I am so thankful for being a mom. I have been very blessed to have healthy kids. But today it has been one power struggle after another, basically wanting her own way or no way. In her fits, she has refused to eat both breakfast & lunch. She has screamed & screamed, thrown stuff, smacked stuff, grabbed the cat by the leg... We've noticed in the last week or two there have been little battles where I thought maybe it was just a bad day, maybe she didn't feel good, but today I realized this is the beginning of the terrible two's a few months early. I just keep thinking about that verse in all things give thanks or this too shall pass (although I'm not sure where that's from). I think it's time to look for some calming techniques for her & for me!

Waverly Hills Part II

2008-04-23T10:16:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what I was thinking when I put the slide show up, but I didn't write anything about Waverly Hills. We had to go there for a field trip for school, it was that or a case study. I chose the field trip. There was a lot of neat history about it being the TB hospital & Jefferson County having the highest rate of TB back then. When it turned into the geriatric center, there was a lot of abuse reported & it was shut down.
I'm not sure what I think about spirits/ghosts versus where it fits (or doesn't fit) with Christianity...but I do know, in two pictures there were lots of orbes, and in one that I took from the outside it looked normal but when I zoom in there is an outline of a face in the top middle window. They estimated 60,000+ deaths there when it was up & running. About 1 death per hour. Interesting piece of history.
What was more interesting to me was I've never talked with the girls about it & when Charlotte found out where I was going, she said "Are you going in the death shute?" I was shocked thinking, where did my 10 year old hear about this stuff. She then tells me ALL about the nurse that was hung there...etc. She said kids at school were talking about it. Hmmm, what else were the kids at school talking about?

Waverly Hills Sanitorium

2008-04-21T11:10:00.000-07:00

Ladies Night Out

2008-04-21T10:27:00.000-07:00

The waiter

The Girls

Can one have too much fun? After spending morning, noon, and night together, five days a week, learning about the good, the bad & the ugly...we still managed a night of fun together. Above is Jill, Missy & I trying to jump into the right spot with a timed camera...if only I had it on video it would have caught the screams of us slipping down the hill. Going through nursing school the friends we've become, even the bad days- has imprinted such memories on me. Our waiter was rushing us out of our seats before we were finished, he reminded me of Steve Buscemi.

So, I officially did not make it through Pharm...I'm okay with it, sad but okay. Alright, I'm not okay with it. But it's for the best, & it couldn't have come at a better time. I'll have lots of time with the girls this summer & I'm getting more hours at work to help Michael out with the bills. I'll miss going on with them, but I'd rather be a "good" nurse, than "that" nurse who didn't know her meds.

So, here we are, enjoying our week off. Hope you are having a fabulous spring day!

Just waiting

2008-04-17T11:06:00.000-07:00

I'm just waiting, for my grades to be posted. The teacher has been doing them since 12:30 & it's now 2pm. I flubbed up the math, & when I went back to it to fix my mistakes ran out of time & couldn't change my wrong answers. I passed Adult II yesterday, but don't feel so great about Pharmacology.
Yesterday on my way to the test, I heard one of those short, inspirational sermons on the radio. He said the verse that Jesus says "Be still...for I am with you". I needed it.
So, today I reminded myself of that again, as well as the Matthew verse about the mustard seed. I figure, if I don't pass it was for a reason. If I pass I'm way happy. I've decided whether I'm happy or sad by the outcome, God is in control & he has a plan.
Thanks for listening.

Hello there

2008-03-29T14:33:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm pleased to announce I finally passed a Pharmacology test. I got a 76. If I hadn't of changed two of my answers it would've been an 80. My teacher covered up the question, asked me a different way & I gave her the right answer...she said "you know the answer, it's just how the question is written."
So, the second quarter ends in 18 days. In the next 18 days, I will have two more exams, two finals, one hesi test, and a math final. :( My brain hurts. I'm ready for the break. If you have two seconds, please pray for my sanity and Michael's patience as I have become a bear.

Takin' a break

2008-03-17T13:29:00.000-07:00

Hey guys,
Just letting you know I'm taking a leave of absence for a little while. I will try to keep up with some of the blogging but don't know how much I will see.
We shut off our home phone, internet & cable for the time being so checking on my favorite people & keeping in touch will be a bit challenging. What did we do before computers?

The kids want the computer & don't really get how to function outside electronic world...so I took drastic measures & cut it all off. And we need to get rid of some bills is probably a bigger reason. It's amazing what Dave Ramsey says isn't a necessity :)

This quarter ends in 4 weeks & it's looking fairly clear that I might be retaking Pharmacology without Gods help. I don't know, it's not for lack of studying, it's for lack of entry & receiving upstairs. It's got me discouraged & in a funk. But, either way, it is what it is, the next four weeks, Pharm has to be my new best friend.

I look forward to reading up on what's happening with you & your families soon :)

Motherhood

2008-03-09T11:05:00.000-07:00

It is at some point while raising your children that you look back at what you have attempted to teach them over the years.
Mothers (and Fathers too) come up with certain ways to teach, then watch as your children mimic what they learned.
I am big on handwashing...my skin is horrible and has little tolerance to hand sanitizer, I will get cuts in a heartbeat. So, when my kids wash their hands I always do the "sniff" test to make sure I smell soap and nothing else.
When I went in the bathroom to empty the garbage earlier, I found an empty bag of Teddy Grahams. So, I'm left to wonder: "who was eating while on the toilet" & if you had enough time to eat the whole bag of Teddy Grahams "while on the toilet" you definately shouldn't have been eating "while on the toilet".
But, the positive side...nobody's sick (except me) and I wasn't the one eating them, so I guess it's all good.
Next weeks lesson: No eating while you're on the toilet.

Dancing with Lin

2008-03-07T12:47:00.000-08:00

Some say 2 step, some say chicken dance, others say no dance. Lindsay does her "I want to dance but don't want to fall down dance" Hope you enjoy, please excuse the pile of clothes & Christmas mat...sometimes it takes a video in March to begin spring cleaning!

Kentucky Wonderland...again

2008-03-07T12:20:00.000-08:00

Who would have thought we would have a 70 degree Monday and be expecting a KY weather forecast of 1-12 inches (yes it's a big prediction...however no weather man predicted the same amount).

Mid term/final week is over & I had hoped to sleep in and rest my aching brain, but Lindsay woke up at um...5:30am ready to go. Then Char & Em came home about 8, so...it's been a full day.

Mike's dad dropped off some pop and pastries for us to expand our waistlines some more & picked us up some hamburg so I am going to attempt to make my first pot of NY Chili (as in no noodles, up north we never put noodles in our chili)...we will see if Michael will eat it. His Ma makes a mean bowl of noodle chili (more like spaghetti but they swear it's chili) & I have some pretty high standards to meet.

Enjoy the snow for those of you that have it. Me...I'm ready to tear out the flipflops!

Wednesday, March 5th, 2008

2008-03-05T12:23:00.000-08:00

I took my Adult I final today. I passed. Next Wednesday I start Adult II. I didn't get the grade I wanted but I passed. Some people were complaining about their low B, but Hallelujah, I passed with a C. I'm just not a good test taker. Never have been. Still striving to be, one day I will make an A. No rest for the weary though, I have my Pharmacology mid-term tomorrow (which is what I was studying for before I got sidetracked).
I passed my CPE's on Monday (I got to do a NG tube insertion, Naso suctioning, med math, IVPB Primary Saline Lock). So, 2 down, 1 to go, then this weekend I can breathe. Is there life outside of school? Hope you are all well.

Perspective

2008-03-01T19:24:00.000-08:00

I am a worrier by nature. If it can be worried about, it comes to me. Yesterday I was nervous about clinicals. No good reason, just that I'm so worried about messing up or hurting someone that it probably takes up too much of my thoughts leaving me a little cramped for room to do really well.
But I had a wonderful patient. I got to take out an IV, watch them hang blood & change a postop dressing. I was about to jump out of my skin with excitement.
My patient was old. Very old. But her mind was with it & she started reminiscing about her late husband. And she said something I took home with me. She missed not being able to go to church because of her arthritis. She missed what she couldn't do but she was so excited for being able to walk again without pain. She told me her husband was a great man who did everything he could for her & the children and that she never had to work a day in her life (I told her she had children so she DID work every day of her life). Then she said even in their worries about where the money would come from during the depression he told her "honey, I'll do the worryin' and you do the prayin'". Hearing stories like that puts my bad day into perspective.

The difference between a sheep & a goat

2008-02-19T13:48:00.000-08:00

These pics are from one of Lindsay's books that she brought me today & I had to laugh. It reminded me of a conversation with a friend. Hope you enjoy it!

What's the difference between a sheep & a goat? Well, there are several...

The goats hair usually doesn't need sheared or combed, now that's an art. They have naturally long, narrow horns & some have beards.

Most sheep are hornless, but the ones that do have curved horns. Sheep have fleece, not hair.

Male goats have an odor, especially during mating season...Male goats also have glands beneath their tail.

Sheep have them beneath their eyes or under their hooves. What are glands you ask? Well, it's an organ that makes digestive juices, hormones, sweat, tears & saliva.

When sheep run from danger, they eventually all come back together as a group and look at their predator together. And, they have a wide angle of vision to see danger better & have amazing senses, which enables them to see danger from 1200 to 1500 feet away.

What's even more incredible about sheep is that they have an amazing tolerance for pain. They don't show it because if they did, the predators are looking for the weak and injured.

And one more fun tidbit, sheep are less likely to have external parasites, while goats are more likely to have lice.

Anyhow, that's my tidbit for the day..hope you enjoyed it.

Nursing School ravings : # probably 100 by now

2008-02-13T13:28:00.000-08:00

We only have two tests & 1 final for Adult 1. I studied really hard, thought I would get an A. I squeeked by & irritated myself by my grade. So, I came home & wanted a laugh so I weighed my backpack. 30 pounds, 4 ounces. And blonde from a bottle me wondered why it kept bouncing down the street over ice when I was walking to the car.

Winter Wonderland

2008-02-12T08:19:00.000-08:00

The weather forecast was actually right for a change. Right around 4pm snowflakes began to fall. I left the library at 4:45pm and my van was already slipping around the road. Hours later when Michael went out to get gas, he said it was bad out...so for him to say it I knew it had to be.

In our county, schools were cancelled fairly early last night. I waited and waited for JC to be cancelled, because that meant I wouldn't have school. The kids waited with me because if I went to school, they had to go to the babysitters. Around 10:30 last night, it finally changed to cancelled!

So, this morning, the kids went out and played in our rainy, frozen, winter wonderland. While it's nothing like I remember NY snow being, this is what they know and it's a lot for them! So they played until the water melted through their clothes.

2nd Quarter-what was I thinking?!

2008-02-09T20:11:00.000-08:00

So, here I am second quarter of nursing school. (Are you bored of hearing about this already?) Third week, three clinicals in so far. Working on real people. The motto is "Go in like you own it."
Only problem: my jitters. I am not yet confident enough to do the motto. And tonight I thought, am I nuts? I am so scared sometimes I want to run, not introduce myself & do all the talking and assessments like I know what I'm talking about.
Last clinical, I was paired up with a very confident person. I even caught on to a few woopsie's (not mine)... I made a small shriek when my instructor ripped tape off a hairy man when she was showing me how to take out an IV & when I realized what I did I said "just joking." DUH! It hurt me just looking at it. Luckily the man had a sense of humor. So, maybe until I get my shebang I should think about a surgery nurse or a flight nurse, something I could do when people are out of it & I'm not worried about them looking at me.

Anyhow, first Pharmacology test-->passed it! The highest grade in class was a 92, the lowest was a 40. Thank goodness the 40 wasn't mine. Things are finally going better!

2008-02-08T18:27:00.001-08:00

Anyone up for a patent?

2008-01-28T20:16:00.000-08:00

I was thinking when I was hungry & my thoughts were on getting my pictures onto my blog while I was cooking dinner-which can't happen at the same time.
But, I often read a few blogs with yummy recipes or see pics of different outings.
Wouldn't it be cool if technology got so intense we could smell through our computer? It could be good, could be bad, depending on the scent put in. I think it would have to be put in by a disk like photos, only capture the smell of someones dinner, or donuts or flowers, etc. So, the disk would have to go into the camera, probably needing a way more powerful memory card, or maybe two different memory cards.
The disclaimer would have to be obvious so people don't file lawsuits because they had a reaction to a scent.
Can you imagine looking at a friends beach pictures but being able to smell the ocean? Or cooking shows, that'd be a big one. Probably wouldn't help most of us who are already overweight, but it could help us be more proactive in cooking at home instead of take-out. Or not.
Call me crazy. But, I'll bet if someone could patent that idea & get it to sell at a reasonable market value, they'd make a lot of money.

Day 3 post op :)

2008-01-26T07:12:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone, all is better. Until Lin kicked me in the chest this morning during a diaper change, ouch. But it's better. 4 pounds gone without changing my eating habits (which I need to change). Not sure what will be lost when all the swelling is gone. Woo hoo! I think I see the other side of recovery now! The only thing I noticed today is that I'm bruised really bad, I was suprised it wasn't bruised sooner. I guess it's all coming back together know.
I hope you are all enjoying our cold weather and looking forward to Valentine's Day! I'm going to google some crafts for the kids to do today. If we are successful maybe I'll post some pictures :)
Happy Saturday!

New beginnings: from G for ginormous to C for comfort

2008-01-25T13:08:00.000-08:00

After much thought, I underwent a breast reduction on Wednesday. It was supposed to be back in October, but long story short, I had to switch doctors & then I had to wait for another break.
I looked at all the angles of things. Comfort, necessity, articles on pros for optional surgery, biblical reasons against plastic surgery (which I didn't find applied to this). After three kids, they were just huge, the indents were painful & my back was a nightmare. It would take hours to get rid of the indentations.
So, I am here, two days post-op & feeling okay. Groggy mostly. I tried shaving my legs in the shower this morning & got a shock. I didn't expect the pain the way it is. It feels like a ton of bricks on my chest. But, not to have that dread every morning of what it will feel like the rest of the day makes it worth it! And knowing short of an Ohio valley earthquake I could not go without a bra, now it's better!
My mom & my sister were here for the week before helping me to get the house organized & cleaned up, the time flew! They were here until this morning & I was left to sleep, which I did.
The hospital experience is different now that I'm studying to work in one. I look at everything different. I noticed the good nurses. When I was taken up after recovery, Michael wasn't too happy about the organization. My IV wasn't hooked up for close to 5 hours, until night shift came in & they asked why it was laying down. And they would ask me my pain level but didn't give me any medicine. Realistically, I don't know the last time in recovery I was given pain medicine, so maybe I couldn't have it yet.
They brought me a sandwich about 9:30pm that was the best sandwich ever. And sent me home yesterday morning.
I hear lots of good stories about people who have opened up & had the reduction.
I debated writing about it, but figured I would. The proportion it makes my body is amazing. I have to wear this surgical bra for two weeks, so I can't see what difference it has made on my shoulders yet, except not having it now.
My only worry is being ready for school on Monday! I am hoping to recover well enough to stay up & on my feet all day next week! I have two full more days to prepare though.

Our trip to NY January 2nd-4th

2008-01-20T12:22:00.000-08:00

Our town

Is it destiny that Michael's possible distant kin were buried next to my grandparents & then we found each other 700 miles away?

This is me getting to say hi to my Grandma for the first time since I was unable to make it to her funeral 3 years ago. It wasn't much of a hi, I was the only one who forgot about the coldness of NY & wore a skirt to the funeral. My legs were FREEZING!

The seven of us in birth order from Right to Left, we are comparable to "The Birth Order Book" by Dr. Kevin Leman. I am middle of seven, first born girl.

Lindsay enjoying her first snow in New York

It was a good trip back to New York, it had been a long time since being up there. Unfortunately, it seems everyone dies in the winter & wants to be buried up north.

The video is really dark. Lindsay is on the right side, she loves singing things.

Finally, the big break!

2008-01-16T20:31:00.000-08:00

It feels awesome to breathe. Last day of testing over. There has been some major drama about an exam... I'll spare you, but it's over & I passed. Next quarter begins in a week & a half. Definately 1/4 of the way to being an LPN, 1/8 of the way to RN. It's an adrenaline rush to get it now! God was definately calming my mind this morning. I just mosied along & actually couldn't wear my ear plugs because I accidently washed them & they were still dripping wet with water.
It is so weird to think there is no running like crazy or exams to panic over. Time to go pluck all the unruly facial hair that has been growing in my absent-mindedness!
Thank you for your prayers & smiles :)

Breathe & Relief for this Late Bloomer

2008-01-11T19:00:00.000-08:00

I can't say how much I appreciate everyone's encouragement this past 12 weeks! Finals are almost over. There is so much I never expected from nursing school, so much more that I love. God blessed me enough to be at an awesome, supportive school with a great faculty.
So, as the grades are rolling in, I'm reflecting at my learning process. Today I was called a "late bloomer" (affectionately I'll add).
An exam I took that I missed while at the funeral in NY I got a 64 on. Ouch! She said with the Med Math final & Fundamentals final, if I averaged 70's I'd be fine. I got a 94 on my math final...woo hoo. My class final is on Monday.
Today, I had two exams. One final & test #3 that I missed for Nursing & Healthcare. My grades this far had been a 68 & 82. The 68 was on infants through preteen-go figure, 3 kids all in that age group. Anyhow, the third test I felt kicked my rear, but I got an 82 & the final was an 80. So, definitely breathed there. Monday & Wednesday are my last 3 exams for this quarter.
This has definitely been a long, hard, wonderful learning experience for me. I asked Michael if it was how he had imagined it, & he said it was worse. I remember Rachel asking him the week before it all began if he was really ready for it & he said yeah. Today he said we just don't have time together anymore :( I figure trial & error. I'll have to work on something.
At 30, getting confidence to do what I want to do & believing that I can do it has probably been the biggest obstacle. My Dove chocolate wrapper said "if they can do it you know you can"...I ate the chocolate & kept the wrapper.
So, my week & a half off is coming with great anticipation to reconnect with friends that I feel I've neglected, pizza movie nights with Michael & a little Wii with the girls. It's a very ambitious week that probably won't get as near done as I'm hoping, but oh well.
Oh, one fun tidbit, when I left for school this morning I felt like I was having a heart attack, except I knew that wasn't it, it got worse when I'd breathe, laughing felt like death (someone told me to look up the word smegma & I laughed so hard it hurt)... so I found out I have pleurisy. Talk about my luck. Weekend off from work, two finals & an anatomy exam to study for, got all 3 kids this weekend & pleurisy. Uggghhhh.
Oh well, I have it with a smile on my face (tends to look like a grimace but oh well. It's all good)
Hope you are all doing well & thank you everyone for bearing with me. I know I've been in my own world. I do read your blogs even though I don't always get to comment.

Past...meet present

2008-01-01T16:37:00.000-08:00

When I was about ten, I wanted a kitten. So bad in fact, that I walked around our neighborhood looking for one. It was my lucky day, someone I met had six they were giving away. I took them all home. My dad looked at me as though I were insane, and said no. My instructions were clear, I don't care what you do with them but get rid of them. I went back to the house of the lady who gave them to me but she just laughed. I eventually found 5 homes, and was allowed to keep the sixth one. I named him Toby. An orange tabby.
I had to find Toby's food myself, no help was given. He got powdered milk and food when I could get it. In the summer I collected cans to get a nickel for each & buy food that way. But the winter was too cold to ride my bike around for soda cans. I found out that my coat had a magic pocket. Meaning there was a hole in the pocket that if I put something in the pocket, it would slide inside the jacket lining. That winter Toby ate well. When spring came, I got a little braver & took a bag of hershey kisses, but became so paranoid that I left a candy trail to my friends house & never ate one. I never stole again. I went back to bottle collecting & Toby died that summer when my sister put him by the car & my brother accidentally ran over him.
Today, I was looking for a dance mat game for the Wii, I thought maybe this would be a fun way to lose a few pounds. I didn't think twice about what I should do at Best Buy when I saw three boys at the play station 2 games & one boy ripped the plastic cover off a game. I was dumbfounded. I heard this plastic tear & when I looked over one boy saw me looking & acted shocked by his partner in crime. (They were between 8 and 10 years old). A few cuss words later & they dashed to the back of the store. I told a clerk what I saw, he paged someone right away, Mike & I walked to the CD's so I could find my David Crowder Band Cd for the trip & I saw the boy being hauled away by security saying something. Guilt came over me. Then at the check out all the clerks were talking about why an "8 year old would be stealing, how do they know how to steal at 8?". Then horror came over me. As we were leaving the parking lot the police pulled in. "OH NO! On New Years Day!" I remember saying.
I know I was wrong in taking Toby's food. That haunts me. A PS2 game isn't a necessity, but 8 years old & there was no guardian around to keep him on the right track. How sad is that?

p.s. I didn't get the dance mat, I'll have to wait a few days to start losing the pounds I guess. :)

It's a new and better day

2007-12-29T14:30:00.003-08:00

Well, I know yesterday I was just not in a good mood. Today's is better!

It's just not something I'm used to. In all the grief, I did not thank God for the time he had here. 97 years is a long life. He was healthy for most of it.

Something I thought was amazing was his last day. My mom told me a little about it. When the Dr's would come in & ask how he was, he would smile and say "very good". During the day he would look to Heaven and smile. And he would see angels and chariots, all day he saw angels & smiled. He would say things like "oh, it's 12 o'clock, what a good day." As if he were counting down the time to be in Heaven.
At 5pm "Wow, it's 5pm, I wish it were 5am, that's only 12 hours away." And my mom asked what was at 5am and my Grandpa said "well, at 5am I'll be celebrating with friends."

Just believing that, I know in my heart how much better it is where he is at right now. He is probably hoping to fly airplanes around Heaven after listening to the choir.

Merry Christmas

2007-12-28T20:04:00.000-08:00

My Grandpa 1910-2007

2007-12-28T19:03:00.000-08:00

My Paternal Grandparents on my left, me in the middle (I remember this picture getting taken) & my Maternal Grandparents on the right...1979
My Grandpa F. is on the right.

It has been a hard, hard couple of months. And I am not this sad person who walks around with a heavy heart with depressing news. I asked God the other day to double check this was definately my calling. I never heard the vocal answer, but the signs were apparent that it is.
Jokingly, the girls at school call me Nurse Kevorkian. The patient next to my patient has now passed. Third patient gone to be with the Lord. She had whitecoat syndrome on top of her physical problems.

My Mom flew to Florida on the 26th. My Grandpa had fallen & my Aunt couldn't get him up. EMS came out & took him to a hospital down around Kissimmee. They said he had a large blood clot in his leg, fluid around his lungs & pneumonia. Then when he got up Wednesday night to go to the bathroom, he fell again. They put restraints on him, gave him a catheter, and didn't call my Mom or Aunt to let them know what happened. Then they said he didn't have pneumonia, but instead it was cancer (it wasn't). Today, they put an umbrella in in case the clot decided to travel. Then they said it was pneumonia. So, I was talking to my Mom around 3:30. She said he was crackling really bad, not thinking, I told her the patient I listened to the other week was crackling & she died two hours later. My mom said "oh". I didn't think when I said it and now I wish I had've watched my words.
So, my Pop calls me at 5:45pm, and says my Grandpa is gone. He said my Ma called & asked him to let everyone know, it had been like 5 minutes, the doctor hadn't even been in to declare it yet.
When my Ma called me later, she said my Aunt was feeding him & he asked for some water & kind of choked on it, they called for a nurse & nobody was around (I don't know that anything could have been done). The nurse came in & his eyes crossed & they could see a pulse in his neck, but the pulse in his foot was gone & she said "he's passing now." And then he was gone.

I'm not saying this because I want to be graphic or morbid, but this whole death thing is just too painful. Three months of death, two people close to me & 3 patients. I know it's happening for a reason, I was never prepared for grieving before November. It just really sucks right now.

My Grandpa lived to be 97, his weight was down to 120 lbs this week. I was telling someone about his condition today & they told me "well, at least he's lived a long time." Not in my normal state of mind I said "that's not what I want to hear right now."
I think I'm grieving the grandfather I didn't get to know because distance kept us apart. That he was my last grandparent. That any more chance of memories or stories went away with his last breath because he was as with it as he could be until the end.

My Dad & my Sister said I should have used more judgement with what I told my Mom about the crackles...I should've. I'm open with my Ma but I should have been more sensitive.
That's it.
I hope to have some Christmas pics or video up soon to make you smile.

They called me "Lethal Nurse"

2007-12-18T15:19:00.000-08:00

Lethal Nurse is not a name I wanted...but it is mine. First patient gone, second patient all I did was listen to lung sounds & she was called home an hour later. But today, I did not wake up with this in mind.

We went to skills lab, our last skills lab of the quarter. I was sooo excited for today. We were getting to practice injections. After lunch, we began practicing using the TB needles into hot dogs. It was fine. At break, some guys start joking around & squirting us with water. After a few times I decided to get even. I borrowed my friends needle, filled both syringes with water & fired at him, giving him a double dose. One of them refilled, aimed back & shot me again. Well, being that I can take a joke, I laughed, filled mine back up with water & shot it at him again. He starts laughing, I turn around for a refill & my needle isn't there. I turn around & the needle is stuck in the front of his hand & he hasn't realized it yet. I look back at my syringe & definately no needle. Look back & realize my needle is completely stuck in his hand. I RAN out of there. I felt like I was going to hyperventilate. My thoughts were "okay, is he hurt? I could get suspended for this, Did it hit a vein (logic said no), did it hit a bone? I could have put his eye out if I weren't such a bad aim & holy toledo, what was I thinking!?"
When I went back, I couldn't look at him.
He made a few jokes, I apologized. I found out a few things. He was using an IM syringe with no needle (is what he told me) & he didn't tell our teacher, didn't let anyone else tell, & I missed the vein & bones & he pulled the needle out himself so I wouldn't get in trouble. Few. Thank goodness I am a bad aim. I just know I am so glad it didn't shoot his eye out.

Almost Merry Christmas- Joke of the Day

2007-12-15T05:53:00.000-08:00

Talking about scientology with a friend including the need for God & the Merry Tossmas crap, she told me a joke I thought I would share:

A man walks up to God & says "God, we finally figured out how to do things without you...we don't need your help anymore."
God thinks about it & says "okay."
Man says "first we get some dirt and..."
God interrupts and says "no no no no no. Go get your own dirt."

Merry Christmas, I hope everyone is really enjoying the reason for the season!

Still chugging

2007-12-08T19:36:00.000-08:00

I wanted to let you guys know things have been a little better this week. We had the girls all week, Michael was off work & apart from me being at school it has been calm! We made progress with Mike's brother. We are all looking forward to a fresh start of actually being a family & hanging out once in a while. Not just passing relatives.
My first patient died...two days after I had worked with her.
For the first time, my arm got trapped in someone's stomach during a bed bath. There was one girl holding the patients stomach up while I was washing under her folds and the girl dropped the womans stomach & womp! Up to my elbow in ...
The report I filed with the police is still out in lala land, but thank God no calls in the last week.
I ended up getting ear & sinus infection & my world was spinning, so I went & got some amoxil to help it. I've never had an ear infection, it was interesting. I knew something was wrong when my head started spinning & I fell into my seat. Lol, Thank goodness it's better.
I hope everyone is doing well, I hate feeling impersonal. I try to keep up with everyone's blog but nursing school is kicking my rear. But I'm lovin every minute of it! Take care, Laura

Finally, a break!

2007-11-28T14:51:00.000-08:00

Well, kind of a break. My week. Hmmm. Where to begin.
It began on Sunday by asking for prayer in Sunday school. Needing wisdom. For two months I have received phone calls from a guy I do not know(there are two guys, one speaks, one I hear in the background). Their number is private & on the odd occasion I answer they say they know where I live & that they are going to kill me. After two months it has started wearing on my nerves & it's not a joke anymore. The police think it's just pranksters that are having fun.
Sunday afternoon, I made a bad judgement call. Michael asked me to go Christmas shopping with him after church. Knowing I had an Anatomy exam Monday I said no, but he convinced me I would have time that evening to study. As I was preparing to study, we received the phone call. Wilma was dying & she wouldn't make it through the night. We got ready quick & left, but arrived 20 minutes too late. She passed away Sunday evening. The shock, pain, even fear of death came out of me. I was lucky. I had managed 31 years without losing anyone I was that close with. And it feels as though the whole world went upside down. It changed my perspective that night. We arrived home at 12:30 & I never managed to study again for my Anatomy exam: which I got a 68 on. My class average is now a 67. I will pull it up. I know I can. But I was angry with myself because I knew better.
Monday evening we got word that Michael's brother & his wife were having their baby. Nobody was allowed to visit. We later found out 5 of her family members were up there. It wasn't "nobody" it was our family. She had her baby (our neice) Tuesday sometime around 3 am. We received a phone text from a mechanical operator that was sent to everyone that the baby was born. Michael's brother still hasn't called him. For other reasons, we have decided we just can't handle it right now.
Tuesday I passed my test I wrote about previously...hooray. Last night we took our van to the dealer only to find out that the repair (something with the power steering, fluid, some other stuff) would cost a whopping $800 to fix. The van is a 2005 & we've only had it 8 months. These parts should have been warrantied for longer than 2 years. Now that they put the van back together, when I started it, it began a new thing...it shakes at the beginning. That problem wasn't there before.
Have I exhausted you yet?
When I got home last night, there was just too much on my plate. I was getting all the pictures of Wilma together & uploaded to print which took hours. I needed to do that as a memory & healing process. But, I knew I had another exam today. As I began to prepare for today's exam, we got company from 10:30pm-1:30am. It wasn't something that I could close my door on.
We are getting ready to go to the viewing. Michael is working late & I'm not looking forward to my goodbye, much less my goodbye with 3 kids on my own.

I am thankful for my time that I have. I will pass my class. I need to rearrange study time & priorities. But, life happens too. It's been a long, hard week, but we will make it through it. Today I felt calm & at peace when I took my exam. I felt prayer. And tonight, I'm just glad I'm home with a day off tomorrow.

Today the Joke is on me

2007-11-27T18:22:00.000-08:00

Well, before the joke, it has been a horrible, heart wrenching week. I will put that in a separate blog. That added to the stress and emotional impairment of today's exam, which may have been God's way of giving me a break.
But, in all the stress of exam week, I could feel my heartbeat through my chest. So, today our exam was CPE's on our skills. Meaning, in front of instructors I had to demonstrate verbally/physically step by step how to do the stuff. My 3 that I got were: logrolling, intermittent g-tube, & vital signs.
Okay. Here goes:

When I was doing vital signs, my pulse is racing. I had a 4 point leeway on blood pressure. I thought I was going to vomit. I asked the girl (my patient/classmate) if she had a particular arm she wanted me to check her blood pressure in. My instructor then asked me "okay, what is the circumstance that you would not take someones blood pressure in a certain arm?"
I froze. Panic stricken I gave the only answer I could think of. "If their arm was missing".

Seconds later it hit me what I said. Oh my word, she could fail me for that.
She burst out laughing & I told her how sorry I was & that I couldn't think of the correct answer fast enough & I panicked & blurted the first thing that came to mind. (The correct answer did come to mind moments later).
She reassured me that while that wasn't the answer she was thinking of, it certainly would be a reason not to. I laughed until I almost cried even though the joke was on me. It was good to laugh in the middle of a week of tears.

I had prayed so hard this week that God would give me the strength to get through midterms, that I can begin my grieving at the end of the week. And I believe in my heart he knew I needed to laugh. As corny as that sounds it did me so much good.

What an eerie paranoia...

2007-11-24T16:06:00.000-08:00

There is an eerie feeling in my house tonight that I can't put my finger on. It feels like there's someone in here watching me... even though common sense tells me I checked all the closets & bedrooms & there is nobody else here.
The other week our friend Janet & her family came over. We took some family pictures of them for their adoption portfolio & for whatever unexplained reason she had an aura in almost all her pictures, even though we took them in different parts of our room.
Yesterday, Maggie our ferocious cat, began hissing in certain directions at what I thought was nothing...which is not like her at all.
Now tonight, I feel like someone is over my shoulder. I've never been one to believe in ghosts or spirits, but the skin is up on my neck & I wish Michael would come home. It's too quiet in here for me!

Happy Thanksgiving

2007-11-23T15:44:00.000-08:00

It's been a long week

2007-11-16T14:21:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone,
It hasn't been a good week. I am loving nursing school, but this week has been tough. Mentally & emotionally just beating me up. The term TGIF couldn't be more appropriate.
I am seeing how tough the adjustment is for the family as a whole.
If I'm going to survive I need to get over my guilt of needing study time while the family needs me too. We had an exam Wednesday in our Fundamentals class which I got an 82.
Yesterday was a bit traumatizing for me. I know I'm going to see much, much worse, but when I moved my patient in clinicals, her scab tore off & blood gushed out. I had that on my shoulders the rest of the day, & when she kept soaking her bandage I wanted to run away. Six hours later she was still pouring blood out of her shin & her lower leg was bright purple. So, I came home to study for my Anatomy exam. It was just a basic exam. I studied like crazy for it, went to a study group & literally dreamed this stuff. This afternoon the grades were posted: 66.
Can I cry now? I knew when I took it I flunked. When the test was passed out everything froze in my head & even the basic stuff was out the window. I couldn't even answer what a cell was...duh.
So, I'm home now. I guess it's good that I have the weekend to pull my act together. I'll just have to do a lot better on the next exams.
So, that's about it. I'm gonna go eat something that resembles adipose but tastes good going down :)

How "bra"dly do I want to do laundry?

2007-11-05T14:54:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I didn't think anything of it. A friend was over visiting while I was folding laundry & I noticed my underwire had come out of my very expensive, old nursing bra. We were joking that it could be a headband. I threw it away.

Last week, Michael told me not to use the washing machine (we have a front loader) anymore because it was grinding. I specifically blamed him. "Babe, you jam everything in there, I love that you do laundry, but don't cram it." For the last week we have done laundry at his parents house. With 3 kids, that's a pain in the tush.

We called Sears service for repair because that's where we bought it from. Michael told me the cost & I told him to forget it for now until we figured it out. The girl was kind of rude (we wasted her time). Well, after several days of dragging laundry to his moms house, we went on line to request service & found out the girl never cancelled our appointment. Which was unethical on her end, but still good for us.

The tech came out today & Michael said he had it fixed within 10 minutes. He reached under the rubber part that is like a seal between the tub & the door & got some loooong pliers & pulled out this ginormous underwire. Michael held it up & looked at it. Trying to figure out what it was the tech said "you know what it is don't you?" And Michael said "yep". Well, they had a couple jokes about it, being that the joke was on me I've already forgotten, but very humbly I said "i'm sorry, it wasn't your fault." And we now happily have our washer back. On top of that, Michael stayed well within the budget that I estimated not to go over & the tech did great too.

2nd Day of Nursing school

2007-10-30T18:05:00.000-07:00

Well, they weren't kidding when they said how tough this would be. But, I am loving it. Work, work, work, while I'm there & more work when I get home. I feel good about organizing a schedule to making this work.
Yesterday they had someone come in to give us a test & find out how we learned best as individuals. They called it VARK. I was the R. Reading/writing. It didn't surprise me, but it was interesting to see how it was figured out.

Today I got my first sample of how accelerated this nursing course is. Back in August, I took an 8 day speed course to get my hours in for the CNA course. Today in our skills lab we covered 8 days of material in 7 hours. I was so thankful that I had taken that class because I would've been exhausted.
It is only by the grace of God that in orientation I was sat near someone who I overheard was from the same town as me. She didn't think anyone else would be coming from our town (neither did I). So, we are going to try & carpool to save on gas. And, a bigger miracle, especially with winter coming, we were lucky enough to be put in the same clinicals in Indiana which will take us about an hour to 1 & 1/2 to get there, so we won't have to drive by ourselves. That is a big gas saver too.

Anyhow, I'm going to head off here & get to my homework.
Hope you are all doing well. I feel like I've lost touch already!

Toothless Wonder

2007-10-27T18:36:00.000-07:00

After waiting and waiting, looking and searching some more...Lindsay has finally gotten a tooth. Just days away from turning 15 months old, we are so excited. Now if only she would show them off!

Here is the 2nd beginning...

2007-10-25T20:09:00.002-07:00

Well, it took half an hour & I think all my blogs are pulled over from yahoo. I'll have to fix them later, maybe even add pictures if tomorrow is an uneventful day. I am spending the next three days cleaning out my house, my email, the junk, so that when school starts on Monday I can begin with a clear mind.

So, for tonight I will go to best, rest my back that was knocked against a residents medicine cabinet & hurt like crazy. Michael needs to use the computer. So, goodnight everyone. Goodnight little town, goodnight dirty kitchen, I will clean you later.

Mailmen, old people & patience...oh my!

2007-10-25T20:09:00.001-07:00

Mailmen, old people & patience...oh my!
This morning Emma started again with her tummy aches. Managed to be an hour late for school, then continued to cry for ten minutes at the office because she didn't want me to leave. I know it's because it's Wednesday. She's going to her Dad's today & she'll be there all next week for fall break. She's upset & doesn't want to go. My poor baby girl is all mixed up. She went to class asking me if her face was red from her tears because she didn't want the kids making fun of her crying. What's a mom to do?

There is a saying about when the sun sets that I cannot remember, I do believe the Alzheimer's patients are rubbing off on me. In two weeks I've learned that there is a night & day difference in the people I've been working for (I was called a glorified maid). I was told to expect several things, of which I have now been slapped, shouted at, screamed at that I was a Lesbian by a schizo (let's clarify-I'm not), I was blessed by a fish flying cough & actually gotten used to the smell of stuff I won't mention.

Today I saw my first bed ulcer on someone that I cannot see ulcers being helped because of size. I got in an argument with another orientee... Not in my character. But knowing myself better than to let the sun set on a bad day I confronted her & sorted it out & can see us being friends. And I saw a group of women visiting someone who had a Beth Moore study going on in one of the more coherent rooms.

Then I got home. One thing I love is my Lands End magazine. I love their stuff, but not their prices, so I look & daydream, but never buy. I noticed a star next to a purse. I asked Michael if he had been looking thru & marking it. He said no. The more we looked the more the pages were turned down & marked all over. Long story short, our magazine should have been delivered October 3rd & we received it today, apparently the mail person likes Lands End too.

I look at the people I'm caring for & know they were probably just like me a while back. To them it was probably almost like yesterday. I am thankful tonight for the family I have. For the grace God has given us that our family members are still okay. It made me want to take today & be awed at what we do have for the moment.
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Wednesday October 10, 2007 - 11:09pm (EDT)

Watch out in New Mexico

2007-10-25T20:08:00.000-07:00

Watch out in New Mexico
True story.

I don't know all the rules of the road, but this one shocked me. Michael's cousin Tim lives in New Mexico & was at a friend's house (whose father happens to be a driving instructor). Tim was getting ready to leave in the middle of the afternoon, looked both ways, it was clear & pulled out. From way down the road he saw police lights flashing & pulls over. The officer gave him a ticket for "failing to stop while pulling out of a driveway".

He went to court to pay the fine & apparently the judge asked him to plead not guilty as it was as ridiculous as it sounds. It was his first offense & he had been so worried about getting thrown in jail over this ticket that he told the judge he would rather pay it then go back.

So, if you're ever in Glorieta, New Mexico, you might want to stop before you pull out of the driveway.

I think I can, I think I can

2007-10-25T20:07:00.002-07:00

I think I can, I think I can.
Well, I admit I didn't expect it. I know what I missed. But, I'm ecstatic none the less. Drum roll....I am a CNA.

I am a CNA.

I am.

I passed. I don't know how, I surely didn't expect it after leaving the test & knowing what I missed the minute I walked out the door.

Anyhow, I started my new job this week at the nursing home. Wednesday was my orientation & tonight was my first day. I was dreading 2nd shift & it's not so bad. Do you know the new feeling? There were about half a dozen of us newbies. Milling around feeling useless. I can't wait to know what I'm doing & to be as confident.

I took my results in & got a $3 per hour pay raise for being certified. What? Did you hear me shout "Hallelujah"?

When I was 10, I remember specifically making 2 deals with God. One happened just as requested. The other was that I never lose anyone that I love & instead God would have his trumpets sound & we would all go up together alive. Scouts honor, I was going down the road when I was a teenager & I heard that trumpet sound clear as a bell & I kept waiting for us all to float up. Well, we didn't float up, and we are all still here. Knock on wood. So, I don't know. If you can ever be prepared, but maybe this is preparing me for something. I can still hope God remembers the deal the 10 year old made.

Friday September 28, 2007 - 11:03pm (EDT)

Nothing new...so I guess that's good

2007-10-25T20:07:00.001-07:00

Nothing new...so I guess that's good
I guess it's probably ridiculous to write when you have nothing to write about...but no news is good news, right?

The girls are at school, Lin is lying in my arms (she is running a low grade temp) & Michael is at work. Right now I feel really blessed to be sitting here doing nothing. We are looking forward to the picnic on Saturday with our church. Usually the girls miss the activities because of being at their dad's, but this is our lucky week.

I'm working at Grandma's house the next three days, so hopefully we'll earn some extra money and go to Hubers to pick out our pumpkins on Sunday.

The biggest thing on my agenda today is making Emma a cootie catcher. And of course I'll be picking colors & numbers the rest of the night. I made two last week, I don't know how many times I can hear that there will be a hair in my food...I need to think of some other fortunes.

Hope you all are feeling as uneventfully happy as I am.

Tuesday September 18, 2007 - 02:41pm (EDT)

Emma is...student of the week

2007-10-25T20:06:00.000-07:00

Emma is : Student of the Week
Emma told me on Friday she was going to be student of the week. School nowadays seems so much more encouraging than in my day. Growing up, my school had the "suck it up" attitude, but the girls school has a very hometown country feel to it. Where you are recognized & everyone knows your name. Not to mention that as different as she is from her sister, she has Charlotte's teacher from last year who treats her like the individual that she is & does not compare them. I appreciate that. So, today Emma took in a picture of herself & she brought home her certificate. What she gets in return? A chance to be line leader for the whole week. The knowledge that even in her shyness she was recognized for great behavior. I'm so proud of her!

Tuesday September 11, 2007 - 04:26pm (EDT)

My CNA exam...I bombed it.

2007-10-25T20:05:00.000-07:00

My CNA exam...I bombed it
One test, that was it. My nerves were shot so bad I had the back door blues all week. Not an ordinary test, this sucker cost $75. I wouldn't normally feel that nervous, but this was the one that says if I get Certified, which would be a huge accomplishment for me. Something I've wanted to get finished for a long time. Simple for some, my time was never right.

Michael's parents were gracious enough to keep our 3 girls all night so I wouldn't have to get everyone up at the crack of dawn for me to go downtown. Let me just say...I hope by some miracle I passed the exam but if not it was money well spent because it was the first time I've slept through the night in 2 years.

At the exam, originally I sat next to a girl who was there for the 3rd time taking the test. Hmm, not great for my confidence level, but good that she told me what to expect which was my biggest anxiety issue. My classmate showed up & we started reviewing which helped.

Okay, what I "think" I bombed. For my skills I greeted the patient & said their name, but duh me forgot to check their wristband to make sure it was the right person. I did that 4 out of 5 times. I forgot to put paper towels on the weight scale, provide for privacy during height & weight & I don't have a clue what I did wrong with hand washing, but she asked where I did my CNA training & I told her & she looked at me & said "ehhh- huh", clicked her tongue & wrote on my paper. Please don't tell me that if I bombed it was on hand washing.

So, looking over my skills, The stuff I got wrong didn't have an * next to it for being a critical automatic fail, but I think missing that many things would have flunked me.

At least, if I really didn't pass next time I won't be as nervous because I'll know what to expect better!

Thank goodness it's over (for now).

Saturday September 8, 2007 - 03:16pm (EDT) Edit | Delete | Permanent Link | 1 Comment

Woo-hoo, It's really happening

2007-10-25T20:04:00.000-07:00

Woo-hoo, it's really happening!
Our family of five is truly in for some crazy times! I don't think they realize it...I don't know that I do either But, for all the craziness, they keep encouraging me they will all do okay being more self sufficient even with me in nursing school.

My financial aid meeting went well, better than I could have hoped. I turned in my acceptance papers, financial aid papers & cpr training papers. I am on a countdown of 54 days until my first day of class. Until then, I have to prepare to get my 1st semester books, scrubs, bandage scissors & stethoscope.

I have enough time to make a schedule of our timetables & hope none of us have a breakdown. Because I won't be home all day to clean the house, cook, do laundry & grocery shop. It's going to be interesting at our house, it's really gonna happen & I can't wait...except for mornings that the baby won't let me go giving me that "don't leave me momma" look, or the kids beg to stay home with a mental health day but....Momma's gonna say "Deal with it & take a tylenol. I gotta go to school."

Wednesday September 5, 2007 - 04:51pm (EDT)

Not for the faint of heart

2007-10-25T20:03:00.002-07:00

Not for the faint of heart
True story, I laughed so hard it hurt (shows you how easily I am amused). I guess I will never be a Hilton. But if you get grossed out easily -->please don't read.

A good friend is a prankster. He was with some buddies in a bathroom. He had a melted Hershey bar in his hand.

With dripping chocoate covering his hand, he reached under the divider to the man in the next stall & said "Hey man, will you pass me some toilet paper? I'm tired of using my hand."

I can only imagine how the guy next to him felt.

Tuesday September 4, 2007 - 12:11pm

Wishing Wilma Well

2007-10-25T20:03:00.001-07:00

Wishing Wilma Well
Wednesday evening Michael, Lindsay & I went to the hospital to visit Wilma. She has been like a second mom to Michael since the age of 5 & she was a great friend to me when we worked together at OEC.

We were told that her kidneys were functioning at about 15% & they were trying to get her back in working order. Her defibrillator went off twice in her words "shocked the crap" out of her. Then Friday night she had a heart attack.

Last night we received a call that it wasn't looking good & we needed to come right away. Our hearts dropped. Her blood pressure was virtually non-existent...around 30 I think they said, & when they gave her medication to bring it up her heart went crazy. We were expecting the worse.

Truthfully, I thought because she flat lined twice last year & came back, it didn't sound good. We got about halfway there & I told Michael we needed to pray. We were so busy thinking the worst that could happen we weren't thinking she was still here fighting to be with us.

When we arrived, we found that they did an emergency surgery & put a balloon in her heart to keep it steady. And while I don't know a whole lot about defibrillators yet, they lowered it from 150 to 130 to shock her sooner.

They transferred her downtown & we were able to visit for a minute. She said she thought she was a goner & then she came out of it. She said if God wanted her she was ready to go. I told her she needed to stay because she's going to have another grand baby soon. She would have eternity in heaven. We are so thankful to still have her with us. If we didn't have any hope, & she was in a lot of pain, I know nobody would want her to go thru that. Maybe it's just a case of not being ready to let go. But, we are still happy to have her.

Monday September 3, 2007 - 03:24pm

Scatterbrained or Unthankful

2007-10-25T20:01:00.000-07:00

Scatter brained or unthankful?
I am a ___. (Fill in the blank) Did you ever have one of those weeks? It's one of those weeks where you know you should be on your own planet until you return to normal. I've barked at everyone, including the cat. Asked the same question 20 times over never hearing the answer. And decided losing the baby weight is just not for me.

Hmmm, where to begin. I had to go downtown & missed the carpool mom & took the girls to school myself. Witnessed an accident. Didn't plan on anyone seeing me (obviously), I was wearing a see through wife beater tank with a neon blue push up bra. In the middle of giving my statement Lindsay reaches in to make sure her milk supply is still there to which the officer asks "does she want a snack?"

I went off on the pediatricians office. They wouldn't see Lindsay or give a well check because we owe $66. No partial payment, all or no visit. Well, excuse me, yes I owe $66 but do you know how many thousands our insurance company has paid you for 3 children over 9 years? Today I went to the county health dept & got ALL of Lindsay's 1 year shots for $9. The $66 that I owe our Pediatrician is something I've been arguing with our insurance company about for months because that is all from her previous shots. It got me thinking...if the health dept did all of them for $9, how come the doctors office charged me $66 after the insurance company paid 80%. Can they mark the cost up like that? That's it, I'm writing a letter!

(Do you get my drift? At this point I was angry. At anyone. Anything, nothing would be right).

I yelled at Michael about our bills. Knowing we would be short our mortgage & electric bill, my frustration put thoughts in my head that maybe I'm being irresponsible for going to nursing school in October leaving the financial burden on my hubby. I had a fit about the lack of money. About the vacation time that made our money short. And in that anger I blasted him, then I blasted God. I'm not kidding, two minutes after my tears were done I picked up Lin from her sitters & she was such an encouragement to me. I didn't tell her anything was wrong but everything she said was answers to what I just blurted out to God. Including my wishes to go to school. Two times in a row now we have tithed, both times we saw blessings. One was financial, one was Michael's safety. We decided we were already short, we might as well tithe what's due. This morning I found a payroll error that I've been shortpaid $2.20 an hour for the last 5 months. It will make up our negative amount with a little extra. As if He were saying "just trust me" "just believe" "do you believe I am who I say I am?". And the calm hit. Exhale.

It is amazing how easy we can let life drag us down over nothing, literally, my woes were nothing compared to some but they were HUGE to me. And in one swoop God showed me that it doesn't matter how big or little it is, that he's listening. He didn't belittle my problem & say you ungrateful turd. You're complaining about money & a neon blue bra while Little Johnny over here lost his eye & he's praising me for his other eye. He's not like that. But, I hope to learn from my heart for the next time. Because there's gonna be a next time.

Friday August 31, 2007 - 11:16pm (

7 things... you might not know about me

2007-10-25T20:00:00.002-07:00

7 things...you might not know about me
How do I begin. Thanks to Amy...giving me more work-just kidding! Let me think about what people who know me might not know. Everytime I try to think I fall asleep.

1) I took cold showers for two years straight because I wanted to get ready to join the Peace Corps when I was 18.

2) In fourth grade I put a worm down a girl named Joy's back & she went hysterical. She had the biggest boobs in the class. Nobody was nice to her. I was sent to the principals office, became friends with her in 7th grade & never got rid of my guilt for being mean, no surprise that my boobs became larger than hers.

3) In sixth grade I spent more lunch periods in detention trying to be like my big brothers than I spent in lunch. When that didn't work I lost not only my lunch period, but also 1/2 an hour after school & had a desk reserved for me daily (no joke).

4) For the first two years of my time of the month, I was so embarrassed I stole tampons & maxi pads so nobody would know I had gotten it. If your tampons go missing now I did not do it.

5) I was in the bowling club & played ping pong seriously up until college. Now I can't play either.

6) If I couldn't be a nurse, I sometimes dreamed I could be a transcriptionist for the FBI...or a hostage negotiator.

and

7) If I hear a song I like, I play it over & over again dreaming I am singing in front of a crowd & everyone stands up & cheers. I can't sing & would never be able to stand in front of a crowd in reality. I'd throw up.

There you have it, hmmm are you still awake? So, Junia if you read this you're it...give us 7 things we don't know about you!

Thursday August 16, 2007 - 11:49pm

Nursing school...here I come

2007-10-25T20:00:00.001-07:00

Nursing School...here I come!
Well, after rushing around all morning cleaning Grandma's house & my own preparing for the arrival of my sister & Thomas we got home & I had my college packet in the mail with an acceptance letter! Of all days...I'm rushing to get ready for the CNA orientation & don't have two seconds to read it over today

I can't wait. It's bittersweet. I wasn't sure I'd get in, but hopeful. I asked God the other day, if it's not right timing just tell me now please so I can get over the disappointment. Knowing I won't be home with Lindsay all day is just...heartbreaking, saddening, but at this time in my life it's necessary. I'm just going to be thankful that I won't be working at night so I'll have that time with all the girls. It won't be the same, or easy, but I have to remember my dream & how much better it'll be for all of us when I'm done. I guess I better start getting them used to helping around the house & in a routine, something we haven't had. Wish me luck & please say a prayer because we're all going to need it!!!

Friday August 10, 2007 - 02:10pm

Exhaustion

2007-10-25T19:59:00.000-07:00

Exhaustion

It's been a rough week. Lots of fussing & we figured Lin is trying to get teeth in. Today Ms. M said she felt kind of warm when she was watching her. Then tonight I couldn't get Lindsay to eat any food. Not even dessert. It's one of those moments as a mom you know somethings not quite right. So, I put her in her highchair so I could fold some clothes & looked over & Lin was just conked out. It must have been a long, hard day.

Thursday August 9, 2007 - 11:40pm

Happy 1st Birthday Lindsay Michelle

2007-10-25T19:58:00.000-07:00

Happy 1st Birthday Lindsay Michelle

August 2nd, 2007

How quickly does time go? Is it possible it's been one year? It seems like it was just yesterday I battled thru the pregnancy. I took 6 pregnancy tests. Two to convince myself, two to convince Michael, one to wrap up for his mom & one to wrap up for mine. I remember waiting, worrying, wondering how we could have me off work to take care of you. Like it was yesterday, I can hear the 5am phone call to the hospital to make sure they had available beds. It didn't start out well, they said to call at 5, not be ready to come in when you call at 5. We rushed, arrived twenty minutes late. I wonder how often that happens? I can envision walking into the labor & delivery floor to get checked in for the induction scared & shaking from nervousness. Walking into the bathroom to go one last time, knowing I would eventually get an epidural & not get up for who knows how long. After 2 & 1/2 hours the pitocin didn't do much, I was past 4Cm's when I went in, they checked me at 5 Cm's before saying they would speed it up. At 9:30, right in the middle of watching Regis & Kelly I felt the contractions hit hard. Before long I had my epidural & 3 hours later you arrived!

Little did I know what a rough year we would all have. Rough for us anyway. But so thankful we have you.

You love to be held, often. Your smiles melt our hearts & the fear of almost losing you in December has held off the Baby Wise material far too long. Now, you sleep softly in your crib. You can crawl like an expert, crouch like a tiger & stand up-let go & realize you are holding nothing & fall down. You have both sisters wrapped around your finger. And I think you know it too. You don't know what a big day today is. The big one. No longer an infant. But, you will always be our baby.

Thursday August 2, 2007 - 12:22am (EDT)

Grandma...are you there?

2007-10-25T19:57:00.002-07:00

Grandma...are you there?
Well, It's Tuesday. For Grandma, she doesn't know. One minute to the next her answer could change (that's the Alzheimer's in her). She still remembers two people fairly consistently. Her son Chuck & her granddaughter Lindsay.

She is like no other, we can laugh but we want to cry. What 82 year old woman could get away with shouting cuss words at a nurse calling her a hussie in so many words, accusing her grandson of cheating on his wife & telling older nursing home ladies their baby dolls aren't real. Lol. We laugh but it's not funny.

I've been cleaning her house for almost three weeks getting it ready to get put on the market, packing her stuff up & learning her life thru her pictures, letters & saved memorabilia.

Michael doesn't want to visit her, he doesn't want to see her like that. She can barely see from the stroke & talks nonsense. I didn't really know my Grandparents. I tell him to visit because he can. But, I don't know. Will the guilt of not visiting as much as possible overcome the desire to not see her in that state?

A week ago she had her foot broke when a motorized wheelchair ran over it. Yesterday we learned that she has cancer (6 1/2 centimeters long) on one of her kidneys & they want to schedule surgery in two weeks to remove it before it spreads. There is a fear of whether she is strong enough for the surgery because of her weak heart. But, they will go forward with the surgery. She wont remember it, but I hope the nurses know what's coming. (I'm sure they're used to it by now).

Anyhow, I don't really know how to end this blog, so I'll keep you posted...
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Tuesday July 31, 2007 - 03:27pm

Michael's Scope

2007-10-25T19:57:00.001-07:00

Michael's scope
Just letting everyone know, Michael's procedure went well. We have the diagnosis & he is going to live...lol. He told the nurse he wanted them to find something just so he'd have an answer to his problems. Turned out to be a hiatal hernia with acid reflux on the side. He now has a Rx so hopefully it should help.

We spent 3 hours in there for a 10 minute procedure. His doctor appt for his back was postponed until August 13th, the same day as his foot appointment. Our insurance company is going to love us. In the meantime his back goes click, click, click. And he's had us feel it while he walks. It's the weirdest feeling. This bone or metal part pops out & you can see it while he walks.

That's about it.

Tuesday July 24, 2007 - 05:12pm (EDT)

No Worries

2007-10-25T19:56:00.002-07:00

No worries
Today at church, our Sunday school teacher Keith preached our church service also. Sometimes it's tempting just to cut church service & head to work, but today I stayed. Michael & I have been bickering. Nothing major. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed & it was just peck,peck, peck. And in return I received pick, pick, pick. Uggghhh.

We talked about worries, who's having what done, more worries, what the scripture says about worrying. Michael kept smacking my arm. I told him it's not even that these things are worries. They can't be changed in a small amount of time.

We talked about sin & our beliefs. I asked about when you don't hear God's answer, I got a good response that made me feel as though I was being heard even though I have no answer.

Two weeks ago, I asked about judging people. When is it right? Last week, in a split second I listened to someone, heard how they were sharp in their words, didn't look friendly. I told Michael (in church) that person wasn't very friendly. She was rude. Within seconds after that I felt convicted during our welcome time to go speak to her. No, I didn't want to. It was such a conviction I got out of my pew & stomped up to the girl & said hi. We talked & it turns out she was really friendly & told me a few things that explained her actions. What I thought was rude, was actually a health necessity for her child. Within the course of 20 minutes I was convicted for judging her wrongly.

So, in my quest for why you don't always see an answer to prayer, and you just want to say, "hello...is there anybody up there? Why wont you answer me?!?" Well, I have to have a little more patience. Something Keith said was when you're done trying to be in charge & it's not working, just give it to God & say "you're the boss". I am ready to gladly give up my seat.

Sunday July 22, 2007 - 05:04pm (EDT)

Dog Creek (Kentucky)

2007-10-25T19:56:00.001-07:00

Dog Creek (Kentucky)
July 1st, 2007 When Michael's brother asked if we wanted to go to the lake with him & Holly, Michael really wasn't sure at first. But I said sure. We haven't really been close with them. Depressing as it may be, were not close with either of our families. I called Holly at work & let her know we would love to come. Her family was going to be there too. There is just something calming about the lake. There was no phone, no computer, no tv, no shopping. Charlotte & Emma got along great. The guys all hung out & the girls gabbed & cooked. It felt like home. Holly & Chuck are both great influences on the girls. The fact that she's a nurse has something to do with it. They had no fear. It was as if danger could stare them in the face, their faith in their Aunt held them strong. Running around on the dock (did I mention the water snakes?), fishing, campfires, Char steered the boat, the trip gave them both confidence & teamwork I rarely see from them. Char & Emma both jumped off the rock into water that was 20 feet deep (I about croaked) just to be able to carve their names into the rock that had other successful jumpers names in there. We can't wait to go back.

My brothers house fire

2007-10-25T19:55:00.000-07:00

My brothers house fire
July 5th, 2007 My brother Don is the only sibling that I have here in Kentucky. He awoke at 2:30am to the sound of his alarm system going off after hearing a loud bang during the storms. A minute later, they smelled smoke. Turns out, lightning struck not only his house, but 2 places around his house within .01 of a mile. My brother, his wife & all 3 kids got out safely, but will be in temporary housing for the next 4-6 months. It will take them just as long to repair the house as it took to build it. I learned more today about fire than I ever dreamed...but interestingly, if you notice the lightbulbs in the pictures they always melt & end up pointing at where the fire was.

Friday July 6, 2007 - 10:13pm (EDT)

Cartoon Network presents "Teen Titans Go!"

2007-10-25T19:54:00.002-07:00

Cartoon Network presents "Teen Titans Go!"
It is not uncommon for us to have so many library books out that I can't keep track of them. And in my disorganized house there are many late fines from the library. Last week I was looking at a book Emma was reading. She didn't really want me to see it. I saw the title "Teen Titans Go!" as seen on Cartoon Network. Hmm. Both girls know I don't let them watch Cartoon Network because of all the fighting in the cartoons, what ever happened to Tom & Jerry, Popeye the Sailor Man, Elmer Fudd, etc... Sure they were always chasing each other, but it didn't seem as harmful. Quite frankly these newer cartoons don't measure up like the good ol' ones that we had.

So, anyhow, the book. I looked inside it and it happened to be on a page where a man & woman were NAKED. Yes, NAKED! Am I an overreacting parent? Not where my kids are concerned, there's certain things that do not need to be in books. So, I looked at the label on the book & it was in the children's section of the library but it was marked "GRAPHIC" by library terms. I never saw it. Never thought anything of it, but when I looked & did a double take there it was. So, goodbye Teen Titans, there is no room in our house for you. Come on now, is there a need for naked people in a kids comic book?
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Monday July 2, 2007 - 06:36pm (EDT)

My Testy Person- Stepmom part II

2007-10-25T19:54:00.001-07:00

My Testy Person- Stepmom part II
Once again, I am tested. She is in my life & I would rather she wasn't, but she's there. Sunday night when Emma and Charlotte came back from their Dad's house, Emma was more than loud...she was steaming mad. "MOM! I asked Lucinda if I could wear my clothes today from your house because we were coming back tonight & she said "no, you're not wearing your mother's crap until later". I wanted to wear my dress".

Whew. All the emotions flew threw, from wishing I could peg her with spitballs to Lord help me thoughts. In one month not only has she insulted Emma's dress, she's told her she needs to wear a size 2 shoe (at the Stride Rite store on vacation, they measured her at 13 1/2) and she told Charlotte she needs to have me buy her bigger underwear. I asked Char if her unders were tight, no. Do they give you wedgies? No, so in good humor I told her next time she goes to their house to wear my underwear & see if they are big enough. Char cracked up laughing. All that to say... in a heartbeat I gave her that control over me. Sure I was irritated. She not only slagged me once again in front of my kids, she insulted a dress Emma begged me to buy her at Target & ultimately wasn't my crap but she insulted her stepdaughters taste, & also... why let her turn my thoughts in such a way that I'm not a good example to my children. I was told by the lawyers when I last asked about drawing up an agreement that they are not allowed to badtalk us in front of the kids (and vice versa) instead of drawing up an agreement to let the kids know when Lucinda has these episodes of ugliness that she has a problem in her brain that makes her have mental problems & that's why she can't control her mouth.

Well, I thought back to my Beth Moore "Loving Well" study. She's not my Foe, I don't hate her. I truly feel in another situation we would be friends. She is my Testy. Beth Moore says "This is the person God continually uses to test your love. God allows these people so He can work out what is self-centered in us because it takes everything in us to love them." Ouch. I wish Beth had've been here Sunday night helping me with this concept.

I don't know how long she will go on for. In reality were stuck together. And the idea of being arch enemies until the death does not appeal to me. I don't know what happened in her past to make her like this. So, I prayed. Lord, you've heard it before but please help me again. I can only control me and the rest is up to God.

P.S. The above photo is my ex husband on the left & Lucinda on the right.
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Thursday June 28, 2007 - 10:04am (EDT) Edit | Delete | Permanent Link | 0 Comments

Abraham Lincoln Field trip

2007-10-25T19:52:00.000-07:00

Abraham Lincoln field trip
Well, my Mom is in town. She just go, go, goes. I am pooped. I had to work early this morning & my mom watched Lin for me...then she called asking how long I was going to be & I could hear screaming in the background. So, I left work barely making 3 hours worth. When I got home, Mom was ready to go do something. So, we headed to Hodgenville, KY & went to the birthplace of Abraham Lincoln, then onto his boyhood home at Knob Creek, & finally on our way to my Old Kentucky Home in Bardstown, KY. It was fun, educational & put a personal knowledge to the face our 16th President. I definately want to take the girls next time I go. It took a total of 5 hours between leaving here, going thru those places, then getting home. We passed the KY railroad museum but weren't able to stop. I never expected Kentucky to have something that interesting so close. It was neat to feel like I was stepping on land Abraham Lincoln stepped on, probably ran thru as a boy. He was born February 12th, 1809 (almost 200 years ago). His father paid $200 for 348 acres of land (and later lost both because of a title lein). And, Abraham almost drowned as a boy. That could have wiped him out. Why couldn't they teach that in History class? It might have kept me awake a little better. It took them 12 hours to travel just 10 miles when they moved to Knob Creek. And his father basically rented him when he was younger & any money made by him up until the age of 21 belonged to his father. Can you imagine...? You get the idea. It makes me wonder about Pioneer Life, what it was like, how we would do if ever we were to revert back to that lifestyle. How quickly would we complain about comfort & real hard work. Anyhoo, that was my day. I just wanted to share. ");

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Well, my Mom is in town. She just go, go, goes. I am pooped. I had to work early this morning & my mom watched Lin for me...then she called asking how long I was going to be & I could hear screaming in the background. So, I left work barely making 3 hours worth. When I got home, Mom was ready to go do something. So, we headed to Hodgenville, KY & went to the birthplace of Abraham Lincoln, then onto his boyhood home at Knob Creek, & finally on our way to my Old Kentucky Home in Bardstown, KY. It was fun, educational & put a personal knowledge to the face our 16th President.
I definately want to take the girls next time I go.
It took a total of 5 hours between leaving here, going thru those places, then getting home. We passed the KY railroad museum but weren't able to stop. I never expected Kentucky to have something that interesting so close. It was neat to feel like I was stepping on land Abraham Lincoln stepped on, probably ran thru as a boy. He was born February 12th, 1809 (almost 200 years ago). His father paid $200 for 348 acres of land (and later lost both because of a title lein). And, Abraham almost drowned as a boy. That could have wiped him out. Why couldn't they teach that in History class? It might have kept me awake a little better. It took them 12 hours to travel just 10 miles when they moved to Knob Creek. And his father basically rented him when he was younger & any money made by him up until the age of 21 belonged to his father. Can you imagine...? You get the idea. It makes me wonder about Pioneer Life, what it was like, how we would do if ever we were to revert back to that lifestyle. How quickly would we complain about comfort & real hard work.
Anyhoo, that was my day. I just wanted to share. To view this multimedia content, please enable Javascript.
Friday June 22, 2007 - 10:41pm (EDT)

Gulf Shores, Alabama

2007-10-25T19:51:00.002-07:00

Gulf Shores, Alabama
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Our trip to Gulf Shores...hmmm, I'm stumped for words. We had a great time. It was interesting. It was a little hair ripping. 4 adults, 4 kids ages 9 & under. Lindsay is not a traveler. When she slept it was peaceful & when she wasn't sleeping, it wasn't fun. Emma did good. She well exceeded what I expected of the "Are we there yet's?" Charlotte was great. She brought an entire backseat of books to read. And then some. Our friends in the next car over had as much of a great time, considering they'd never been there & the last hour seems way too long. Somewhere in Alabama they almost knocked us off the road- by accident. There was a little tire squealing, horn honking & walkie-talkie shouting, but it was a good laugh after there was no collision. We threw their kid on the concrete (just joking, it was raining & he slipped) & they left our daughter in the Wal-mart check out lane (for about 15 seconds) by accident.
We had two great meals. One was at the Mello Mushroom, definately 5 stars. They had the best pizza & fresh pretzels. The other was called Cafe Grazzi. Definately delicious. Pasta, pasta, pasta. They had fresh bread with this garlic sauce. Generous portions (which is partly why Michael & I gained almost 10 pounds on the trip). They included Lindsay to make us a party of 8, added on the gratuity because of her (which really bugs me) & we walked out with a bill of $175. We all almost threw up our pasta. Was it superb? Yes. Was it $175 great... ? It averaged $25 per adult, $8 per kid, then the tip they asked us to pay. Making it $175. It was yummy, next time I think I'll add before ordering & the kids are sharing.
Beach time was fun. Pool time was better. It's too much work to worry about the kids getting swept away. I told my girls, I've never seen them behave so well. I was so proud. Lin is a homebody. She was out of sorts nearly everyday. There's just something about coming home though.

June 05, 2007

2007-10-25T19:51:00.001-07:00

June 05, 2007

What a day. Celebrating seems to blend together when you are doing a major clean on a house, helping your kids with their last day of school (which was today), trying to get last minute beach shopping in & taking care of Lin.
Yeah, so busy, we didn't realize until almost 5 that Lin hadn't eaten since before lunch. She hadn't fussed at all & we had forgotten to eat as well. Talk about feeling badly!
So, we went to Texas Roadhouse for dinner, mmm. We filled up on the cactus blossom before our food arrived. And then we picked up the kiddos.
Two years have gone so quickly. It's weird. I think I feel so peaceful & happy that's it's hard to know where the time has gone. It feels like it went by in a blink. I don't think we did gifts last year. I got Michael a cast of Lindsay's hand (which I need to take a picture of) and a bluetooth for his phone...and he got me a Willow Tree figurine that I love. Sometimes it's so hard to express love, and other times it flows. Then other times you just can't say it any better than "I love you bigger than the trees" Do you know the kind of love I'm talking about? Just this massive blurb that you can't express because even after a couple years you still feel that swirl in your stomach and the leap in your throat kind of shut up and kiss me love.
So, that's about it. Happy 2nd Anniversary babe

Tuesday June 5, 2007 - 11:58pm (EDT)

June 05, 2005

2007-10-25T19:50:00.000-07:00

June 05, 2005

This is a picture of Michael & I on our wedding day. Who woulda thunk that we'd end up getting hitched at a casino in Mississippi. And to top off the fun, I forgot my license to show my age to get in. It didn't really save me anything, I'd rather keep the money in my pocket than lose it in a slot machine.
The day we got married didn't really seem like a wedding day at first. We just hung out, went to Walmart, went to some river place, then we lost track of time & had to drive like the devil back to the hotel to get ready in less than 45 minutes. We got hitched by a man named Dr. Love (no joke-that's what's on our certificate) and all of us went & ate at the Casino buffet. Mmmm.
Can't believe it's been 2 years since we said our "I do's". Tomorrow we leave...excitedly awaiting our honeymoon destination. The girls are older & can't wait to jump the waves. Hopefully Alabama will have some sunshine waiting for us.
Tuesday June 5, 2007 - 11:45pm (EDT)

Just Go to sleep

2007-10-25T19:49:00.002-07:00

Just go to sleep

I decided last night would be the night. I would let Lin cry during the night instead of feeding her back to sleep...which has been a big no no.
She woke up at 2. I forgot my plan & fed her. Then remembered, put her paci back in & put her back in her bassinet.
She woke back up at 3. I let her cry. And cry. And cry. Then she stopped. Phew. Thank goodness. Then I felt a THUMP! THUMP!
I shot up, looked over and there was our Lindsay with two hands and a knee on our bed. Somehow she learned how to sit herself upright while in her bassinet, climb over, and proudly climb into the bed when I wouldn't bring her in.
This child, how sweet, how headstrong.
Tuesday June 5, 2007 - 06:26pm (EDT)

Lindsay's crawling

2007-10-25T19:49:00.001-07:00

Lindsay's crawling!

Last Tuesday we watched as Lindsay moved her arms & then slowly pulled her legs behind her. It was almost a movement out of a war movie. Then, the next day she got a little faster as she pulled herself forward with her legs scooting to the side, now, she is definately gaining speed.
We put her down in one place & turn around & she's across the room. Now, as I look around the house it reminds me more of a battle ground. I'm having to remind everyone to keep the toilet lids down, polly pockets up, no more stuff lying here or there as everything is going into her mouth.
Something happened to my baby girl at 9 & a half months. The sippy cup was no longer her enemy & her sleep, while still not making it thru the night, is going longer & she learned to crawl & pull herself up.
After all the anticipation, I see her baby days getting further & further behind & her toddler days approaching. So, I decided, while I'd been looking for teeth everyday, I'm hoping they'll stay away just a little bit longer so I can enjoy my baby.
Monday June 4, 2007 - 10:24pm (EDT)

May 17, 2007

2007-10-25T19:48:00.000-07:00

Entry for May 17, 2007

Well, I haven't had much time to write lately. I look around at everyone's blogs and they are the same old ones. Hmmm. So, I'll write. But there's not much to write about. Today has been a great day.
Last October I decided to go apply at a community college to try to get in the nursing program. I had asked God several times if it was His will. He gave me an answer...no. So, not knowing if I heard correctly, I asked Him again. God please if this isn't what I'm supposed to be doing, please give me a sign. Ten minutes later a car hit me from out of nowhere & totaled my car with my sister, our two babies both under 6 months old & myself inside. It was my first accident. That was a very clear sign. Carless & broke, I put off school. Two months later, Lindsay had her first 3 seizures & I knew why I wasn't meant to go to school at that time. I stayed home, listened to Dave Ramsey almost religiously on talk radio (1080am), got very clear about finances. In March, Lindsay had her next three seizures & was diagnosed with epilepsy & then we worked through that.
About two weeks ago, I just felt that burning, intense fire that it was time to go back to school. This time I could do it. But, not knowing if it was God's plan I waited for "the sign". Michael & I talked. We sorted out childcare, this time everything has worked itself out to the point that I'm waiting for something bad.
This morning I went (to a different college) to take the entrance exam. Last Thursday I got a list of what to study. It was a smaller version of the ACT exam. When I originally took the ACT, I remember filling in the dots to make animals. I don't know what my score would have been, but the score I got landed me in Stupidville.
So, I studied, during Lindsay's naps, at night when Michael went to the gym without me & in the car. My 9 year old helped me with fractions. When they called me back to go over my score I was surprised to get 180 out of 200! I am so happy. I only hope this is the right time. I know it's all in God's hands. There's always a reason things happen the way they do, I fully believe that.
Now if only time would speed up so I could see if I get an acceptance letter for the program, then I'll know for sure.

April 23, 2007

2007-10-25T19:47:00.000-07:00

April 23, 2007

I am brought to tears tonight as I do my womans Bible study homework. I am in my 2nd week of the Loving Well study with Beth Moore. Earlier I thought of how I wish it would make me feel different. Why wasn't I feeling different? I was enjoying it, looking forward to it, but not really loving better. Tears of relief flowing, maybe sadness. For months, I can't explain, the depression & anger I've felt over certain things. Feeling as though I was slipping out of God's reach & He just didn't want me. My prayers were falling on deaf ears. What did I do that would make Him not want me? So, I found myself catching up on a week's worth of homework knowing I would only get out of it what I put into it. I prayed, God, please let me know something. Let me feel like I'm yours again. I just feel so inadequate & insecure.
Finally, I finished Day 4. It's late & I'm tired but decide to do Day 5. Beth Moore in the "Loving Well journal" says to read the following statements of what God wants say to you. As I read tonight, every one hit me in the gut harder than the first. But the tear breaker was #5.
"You do have an enemy, My Child. But it is not Me. He wants you to think it is. "
And # 15 just about pushed me overboard
"Quit trying to be so strong. Let Me be strong for you."
It's so hard to know why you go through things while you're in the middle of it. And you ask at the time, Why God? Why me, why now? When will it get better? Please, just let me feel peace in my heart over this. And at times, to the point of having a tantrum with the answer you get. Sometimes it takes so long for the answer to be clear. I found out about this study two days before it was to begin. And I didn't even sign up for it because I thought it would be helpful to me... it was for a friend. Not knowing at the time what God would put into my heart, I'm so thankful now. I want to reread the statements everyday, everytime I begin to feel like I'm nothing, just to know God is Love and through it all, He loves us & will find a way to help us prosper through our trials.

Monday April 23, 2007 - 11:31pm (EDT)

Admittedly blonde

2007-10-25T19:46:00.002-07:00

Admittedly blonde

True story. I embarrassed myself this morning.
I woke up early, planning on going to work. Ugghhh. I do not like leaving my baby. I went about my morning routine getting Lin & I ready trying to keep up with the schedule which is not something I'm good at.
I got out my contact stuff & cleaned out my contact & put it in my left eye, but it was blurry. What in the world? I took it out, cleaned it, made sure there were no eye boogers, put it back in...still blurry. Took it out & thought hey I can see, did God heal my sight? Put my contact back in, it was blurry. Took it out, I can see! He did, he did heal my near blindness!! Took it out & noticed I couldn't see out of my right eye. Wait a minute. Look down, see contact case, left empty, right empty. I looked at my finger contact says 123. How can I see it? Close left eye, blurry, close right eye-clear as can be.
To my great sadness, I had been putting my right contact in my left eye over my other contact that was already in place. I still don't remember putting the other one in.
Oh well. God is good anyway.
Thursday April 19, 2007 - 05:50pm (EDT)

Longing for Summer Days

2007-10-25T19:46:00.001-07:00

Longing for summer days

Do your feet look like this? I'm embarrassed to say with horror mine sometimes start to look like that. Charlotte doesn't care about feet. Emma doesn't like my feet when they get rough, she doesn't want to get old like me to get crusty feet is actually what she says. Maybe it's from growing up in the boondocks in Upstate New York. We just went around barefoot a lot, it made walkin thru the cricks a whole lot easier than walkin home with soggy shoes.
But now I live in Kentucky. It's a little warmer down here & we don't need shoes as often, we hardly get snow. And I'm not interested in my cousin & I do wear shoes to cross the bridge to Indiana. However, I'd still prefer to be barefoot. Don't get me wrong. I love flip flops. My husband thinks I have too many... I could wear a different pair everyday for almost two months. But, I might just have to get me a spa pedicure to make my feet look a little more like feet. Because without good lookin feet, I don't really want to wear my flip flops anywhere fancy, like the zoo or McDonalds or Kentucky Kingdom.
Come on summer, we're ready.

April 7th, 2007

2007-10-25T19:45:00.002-07:00

April 7th, 2007

Emma joked that she turned 7 on the 7th of 2007. She thought it was funny, I thought she was smart for thinking of that. I cannot believe my now middle child is 7. Looking back, it's gone so quick that I'm still amazed. She was born 8lbs 9& 1/2 oz & 21 /2 inches long.
One of my favorite books by Lance Wubbels says "If only I knew that others were watching my life as an example, that my life was influencing others, I would have asked God to shape my character to be a reflection of His heart." I look at how the time has gone by & know that it's not too late to ask this of God so my little girls can grow & be women after God's heart.
Here are some pics of Emma until I figure out how to put them in without an address :)
http://www.slide.com/r/C5MIw92A4T9DvKOsjJEffOeDVNhKmQSC?previous_view=mscd_em...

The Riley Factor

2007-10-25T19:45:00.001-07:00

The Riley Factor

Today Lindsay & I went on a small car trip with our good friend, Ms. Amy. We didn't have a car seat, so her husband was nice enough to find one & buckle it in for us. Because of Lindsay's age, she is still rear facing, only today in the van she faced forward, which she liked... a lot.
Tonight, we took a trip to Walmart. Oh boy. You would have thought the world was ending. She kept looking at us over her shoulder screaming. Very angry. Then she would get our attention & she'd stop. The minute we'd turn around out of her vision she would scream louder. On the way back she cried crocodile tears all the way home.
When we were almost home, I told Michael how Lin had faced forward earlier & really liked seeing us & he asked "I'll bet it's payback for Riley." Hmmm, it all seems a little clearer now. Thanks guys.

Friday March 30, 2007 - 10:41pm (EDT)

Milestones

2007-10-25T19:44:00.000-07:00

Milestones

I know it's so normal to think of milestones. Every 5th day of the month, Michael faithfully tells me Happy Anniversary (naming the months that we've been married). Yesterday we went to the Nursing home to visit Grandma & everyone who asks, he proudly says how old Lindsay will be next Monday (8 months). We remember so much by dates, the memories they hold. I'm not looking forward to October 11th. Char will be 10. I told her a few months ago that you are in your double digits longer than any other number. Most people don't make it to 100. Once you are out of your single digits, you might as well welcome old age... To my dismay she laughed it off & talks about being a teenager more often now. Next Saturday April 7th Emma will be 7. The day before Easter. She has told me 3 different cakes that she wants. So much for dieting. And the big one, Michael will turn 30 next Tuesday, April 3rd...of which I have neglected to make plans. Why do birthdays have to come so fast?
I remember when I was little asking my mom where time went. I couldn't grasp the concept that we were living & couldn't get that time back. Almost like you could rewind & do it different. It depressed me to think once you did something, that was it & you could never take it back. I explained this concept to the girls the other day when they were arguing.
Yesterday was a very mixed day. I again, wished I could admit myself to a hospital for a few days for a vacation...by myself. I took Lindsay to the doctors because she wouldn't eat for 24 hours, wasn't peeing, & continually screamed. By now, the doctor must think I'm in love with him. While he is very good looking, I am not in love & would rather keep my copayment than visit him so frequently. Babies definately do not have an instruction manual. When he walked in & smiled I thought, oh no, he definately recognizes us. Lindsay immediately retracted her antics & started laughing right away & reached out for him. Yes doctor, we are here for a sick visit. He made me feel better by saying that sometimes all it takes is a visit to the doctor & it goes away. Thankfully nothing was wrong. I admit, with her epilepsy I am overly cautious.
So, Lindsay is now, 7 months & 3 weeks old. She weighs 18 pounds 6 ounces & figured out yesterday how to pull herself onto her feet & stand up while holding something. Time definately flies.

Tuesday March 27, 2007 - 12:05pm (EDT)

Gadgets & Gizmos, oh my!

2007-10-25T19:42:00.002-07:00

Gadgets & Gizmos, oh my!
While talking with a good friend today, realizing how much time has been spent on the computer, I laughed. It was funny... then. Later as I was working on my budget that I've become obsessed with, I looked at what we could cut down on to make living more affordable. The only two things that could be cut back were the cell phones & the insight package (cable, internet & home phone). And I grimaced. I like the internet. I don't like that nearly everytime I walk by I feel compelled to check it. My cell phone goes where I go & am not sure how lost I'd be without it. These are gadgets that I lived without for a while. My house used to be clean. Maybe if I didn't get on it as much it'd be cleaner.
But where would the fun be in that. Hahahaha.
Just kidding babe.
Wednesday January 17, 2007 - 06:33pm (EST)

Trust & Obey

2007-10-25T19:42:00.001-07:00

Trust & Obey
January 29, 2007
I am so drained. I don't really know what it is. Did you ever have one of those days where you wanted to talk but couldn't get words out? And then you are seeking answers to something, but you don't even know where to begin? I don't know if it's just the cold, but I find myself in a heavy funk. There are a hundred different thoughts flying through my head and I can't seem to organize them.
I wish sometimes God would send me a personal letter telling me do this or do that. I've been reading the Bible, but further than that... how do I know God is speaking to me? I'm a little gunshy because when I was 19 I thought he told me something & now it's a 19 year olds mess that will go with me forever. I don't hear many stories about a burning bush nowadays or clouds that open with a booming voice making a command. How do I make sure that after prayer what happens is what God intended? What if two doors open, which one do we take? What if no doors open, & we have to deal with the road that has a dead end sign at the end? I know trusting God is really the key, but I wish it was more clear cut. Lindsay took a 3 hour nap this morning & my house was clean so all I had to do was concentrate on studying his Word & read. Now is just the waiting. And the constant prayer. I think the waiting is the hardest part.
Monday January 29, 2007 - 03:39pm (EST)

Faith, Forgiveness & Anger

2007-10-25T19:41:00.000-07:00

Faith, Forgiveness & Anger
January 19, 2007
I couldn't sleep last night. I tossed & turned & at some point I wondered if I had Restless Leg Syndrome. And the longer I lay awake, I wondered if there was a Restless Arm Syndrome only nobody really knows about it because most people tuck their arms around someone or a pillow. I wondered if I had a teapot, if I put bubbles in it with water & turned on the burner if the teapot would blow bubbles. So, this morning I am a zombie with a lack of sleep hangover and of course in a very somber mood.
There is an unsettled part of me that I can't reach. Being a Christian, I go to the Bible for the answers. And I know that it should be my lifeline. But what happens when certain aspects of your life are such a burden & you put your faith in God but you don't see the changes? I know it can take years to get an answer from God. I've also seen prayers get answered in minutes. But, questions about anger & divorce that I can't find my way thru really hold me captive sometimes. How do you get rid of that anger? Why do I think I have forgiven things, but the anger resurfaces?
I read the Bible. When I don't seek fellowship or encouragement everything just seems to pile on & I get hit again. You'd think I'd learn a lesson & depend fully on him.
I have to go downtown for Lindsay's MRI & I'm scared. I have every bit of faith that the spots on her brain will be okay. My fear is driving there. Everytime I get in a car I struggle getting beyond the fear from my accident. We were all physically okay, but I keep waiting to get hit again.
God knows our destiny, for whatever is going to happen. He has a plan for everything - even beyond the fears, dislike or anger He forgives. He knows our hearts & we need to believe that in Him all things are possible.
Friday January 19, 2007 - 11:05am (EST)

An Amazing Day

2007-10-25T19:40:00.002-07:00

An Amazing Day
January 18, 2007
Well, I'm still psyched, what an awesome day!
I got to have lunch with Emma & she was having a happy day. I saw Charlotte & she was excited to see us.
I called the Dave Ramsey show today & got thru. I was so nervous that I don't remember what the answer was to my question. They gave us 2 tickets to the LIVE show in February. I'm still in shock.
Which led me to the problem that if I wanted us to go the show Lindsay would need to start taking a bottle. So I decided to pump...again and try to get her to take a bottle myself. And she did! First time in almost 4 months. This leaves so much hope that we will be able to go on a date, I might be able to get a peaceful haircut and relieve my worries that if something ever happened to me she would eat sooner than later. Today was a day that I can truly thank God for and not just being thankful that I still have a pulse. It reminds me how much the little things matter.

Thursday January 18, 2007 - 07:19pm (EST)

Stepmom

2007-10-25T19:40:00.001-07:00

Stepmom

Today has been one of those days. Everything that could go wrong is going wrong. Lindsay isn't feeling good & has screamed at me whenever she hasn't been sleeping. The girls are mad at me because they were arguing & I had had enough & sent them to their bedrooms. And...drumroll please, I had another moment with my ex-husbands wife.
As if I haven't been struggling enough trying to lose weight & feeling so huge all the time, I cannot lose these baby pounds. When I eat out I should get the healthy option instead of the beautiful burger & hot fries. I've cut back. Instead of eating out twice a day, I've cut back to twice a week. No change. I can't get past 185.
So, when I took Emma to dance this morning & saw their stepmom & dad coming in, I tried to be fine. Then Lucinda spoke to me. She said "When are you due?" "Excuse me?" I replied. "The baby, when are you expecting. You look like you're expecting." I asked her if she was serious & told her we could be friendly, so was she being serious or trying to be ugly. She told me she was serious & was going to congratulate me. Now, I know she was trying to be mean. I gave her the look she wanted. Why don't I stick up for myself? Everything in me should have asked her if someone beat her with an ugly stick. Or to reply if I'm pregnant then she must be expecting twins...but I don't. I just choke up.
I try to be nice to her. I bite my tongue every time. Maybe I shouldn't. Not being nasty back, is that feeding her to be more rotten? If I look at her & say "It's a good thing Jesus loves you", is that reciprocating, or sharing the word.
So, I kept my mouth shut. And when I left, I bawled my eyes out. Kinda because it hurt to be told you're fat, and because I'm not strong enough to defend myself to her & maybe letting my kids down in a sense, or because I want so badly to get along that every time she does this it hurts the kids even more & she just doesn't care.
I don't know if she's threatened. There is such a bond between a Mom & a child. I'm not a stepparent. Michael is. It has to be hard for him, but he's always strong.
So that's how my day has been. The kids are in their room & Lin is finally sleeping. Michael will be home from work before 7. And when he does he'll get five minutes to take off his shoes before I take my break.

My Little Photographer

2007-10-25T19:39:00.002-07:00

My Little Photographer

Well, the nice weather was turning cold Wednesday. Emma was off school again with Strep. She was happy to be off, although a little bored. So, I made an agreement with her. If she would let me get 1 & 1/2 hours of work done around the house then we would go for a walk in the red radio flyer wagon. Her eyes lit up. "Momma, is that 30 minutes?" she said. "No, that's 90 minutes." I told her. So she played. I got my work done. When she saw me pull out the All Terrain Wagon, put blankets on the bottom & throw in Lindsay's bumbo, you would've thought it was Christmas. I grabbed the camera, & away we walked, the three of us.
"Momma, can I tell Charlotte we went for a ride in the wagon? Do you think she'll be mad?" She said. "Do you want her to be mad?" I replied. No answer. "Can we go to the park?" Emma said. "No, there's other kids there. We'll just walk around the block. " Apparently not the answer she wanted. "I won't tell them I have strep throat." So, I looked at her & said "The other moms will be very mad at me if I take you, they know you should be in school & if your not, you're either sick or skipping."
So, she pulled out the camera. She hooted all the way home, bent over laughing & when we walked back in the front door asked me to put the pictures on the computer & she was as happy as could be to see her art work on the screen. I found several photos of my rear end, a couple not so flattering pictures of me huffing & puffing while pulling the wagon. A few pictures of her (how she took them so well I don't know) & two of a very, very dead squirrel. I pondered to what she might be when she grows up.
Friday March 16, 2007 - 03:45pm (EDT)

The Great Detective

2007-10-25T19:39:00.001-07:00

The Great Detective

For nearly a month Char has been working on her health badge for Girl Scouts. For the most part she does really well in holding back. Occasionally I let her have some sweets when we've been at a function. So when Charlotte came home Tuesday afternoon & went in her room I thought nothing of it. She normally goes in there, shuts the door, listens to music & reads.
But Tuesday, you would've thought the sky was falling. She was sad,mad, and angry. "What's wrong?" I asked. "Somebody ate my chocolates! I've been saving them since Valentine's day to eat them & someone ate them." I told her very calmly that it was probably me, although I don't remember eating them. She proceeded to give Emma an inquisition. No, it wasn't Emma. Surely it wasn't Lindsay & I knew Michael didn't care for them. Then she said "Was the dog in here?" I laughed. "Charlotte, how would she have been able to take the lid off & put it back on?" I said. "I don't know, she might have". I could tell we were grasping for something. Again I said it was probably me & I would get her some new ones.
That night I was talking with my sister. She said Char told her earlier she was going to become a detective. She was missing chocolate from her room & she had proof that someone took it, she just needed to figure out who. I asked what her proof was & she had a piece of crinkled up paper with a marking. It apparently is a foot print that will lead us to the chocolate thief. Just arrest me now.

Thursday March 15, 2007 - 04:41pm (EDT)

Glade Plug in a la poop

2007-10-25T19:38:00.000-07:00

Glade plug in a la poop

I will admit, I was proud of myself. Three rooms in the house looked very clean & almost organized, which for me is a big accomplishment. Since the end of July 2006 I haven't been very organized. In fact, disorganization has been a big problem for us leading to being late...a little too often. A pet peeve for both Michael & myself.
I noticed an aroma. We switched a while back to Huggies because for some reason the Pampers & Luvs leaked nearly every time. We've been happy with Huggies. All butts are not created equal & we wouldn't all be able to wear the same underwear, so why the same diaper, right? But this smell, pew. I checked the diaper currently being used. Nothing. The garbage had recently been emptied. Nothing there. All toilets flushed. Cat nowhere to be seen to blame it on her.
I searched & searched. What I found to my dismay, a very used diaper sitting happily on the diaper warmer doing as it would. Warming, aromatizing.
Please, no visitors today. I need to air out the house.
Wednesday March 14, 2007 - 12:46pm (EDT)

What's a mom to do?

2007-10-25T19:37:00.000-07:00

What's a Mom to do?

Yesterday was Emma's class basketball game. When we went, I knew how she would play the game (by staying away from the ball), but I found myself watching her peer interaction.
So many times, Emma has come home from school talking about this one particular girl. Cecilia. This is an arch rival. Oh the stories I hear. I think it's helping me see better why she is so full of sadness.
The other day Emma came home & moving her hand in a talking motion she said "Cecilia says I'm doing to much of this >>> & not enough this = "(imitating that she should close her mouth). The next day she came home & was talking about another girl friend in her class & says "she's my friend when Cecilia doesn't say nobody is going to be my friend today".
As a parent I want to take this little girl with the poofy hairband & scare her enough to be nice, but then I saw her mother. You know the saying "like mother like daughter". Emma asked me if I would talk to her mom & tell on Cecilia. I think I'm just going to request a parent teacher conference.
I remember in school, I was fairly popular in elementary school. I am convinced that I am big breasted because I threw a worm down a girls shirt in 4th grade. The reason I picked that girl was she had the biggest boobs in the class. We did later become friends & I sighed some relief after watching one of Adam Sandlers movies where the guy went after the people who had made fun of him as a child. But I see so much of this now & I hate to see kids be so ugly to each other.
I know there will always be bullies but as a parent you always hope it wont be your kid on either end of it. I have never been good at confrontation, but I need to teach them to pick themselves back up at the end of the day, & show them how to stand up for themselves.
Wednesday March 7, 2007 - 01:44pm (EST)

Beauty is only skin deep

2007-10-25T19:36:00.002-07:00

Beauty is only skin deep

Today I decided I needed some sun. I wanted a tan & I was bound and determined to start looking good for my man again. The Kentucky sun wasn't helping me out, but I did find some. Michael took me to our old tanning place where I still had some minutes left.
I'm a little out of practice but, okay, I can do this. I got ready & decided that what I was wearing was a little old fashioned & thinking it certainly wouldn't look like my old tan line, I folded them down ~a little. Common now.
When I got out, I was feeling warm & sunshiny. When I was getting ready to go back to the truck I took a quick look in the mirror at my sexy tan line but when I looked it wasn't so sexy. My big old tag had stood straight up against my back and I now have a perfectly long vertical rectangle standing above my tan line.

Monday February 26, 2007 - 04:22pm (EST)

Out of my skin

2007-10-25T19:36:00.001-07:00

Out of my skin

Well, we have been going for weeks to the gym to try to work on getting in shape. And while Michael has now shed 25 pounds, I have shed 2... granted he has been stricly watching what he eats & I'm home with the munchies.
Most of the week I've been looking forward to the 1 activity I had going on, a lunch baby shower for an old friend. But this morning when he was trying to pull me out of bed I didn't want to go. I really didn't want all my coworkers to see the girl who went from a size 11 to a size 17. Ugghhh.
Yesterday on Oprah, I really found a similarity with one of her guests. It was a weight loss show on living your better life. One girl had a 2 year old son & so much of what she said was like looking in a mirror. It is hard to get up & face the day. I don't want to go out & if I do it's kicking & screaming like a child. I don't have anything to talk about because apart from burn calories at the gym that don't come off I don't do anything. Few, at least I'm not the only one. Misery loves company, right? But who wants to be around a sad, overweight person-complaining? In reality a year ago I would've said to quit complaining, get mad & do something about it.
It is so easy to slip & before you know it you're in quicksand struggling to get to the top. One minute I'm perfectly fine, and the next it's like someone took over my body.
But, spring is around the corner & sunshine always makes me feel better. And I prayed. Because a mom can't be down. The only person who can really help me is God. I know the majority of the time I wasn't eating because I was hungry. I was filling time. I felt alone & bored.
Last night I read my devotional & it said "Godliness with contentment is a great gain" (1 Timothy 6:6). So, I found the problem, I think. I just need to practice it. But, I still might take my Sunday donut because getting ready for church on a Sunday morning in our house can almost make a person lose their religion, so I can justify that one.
Friday February 23, 2007 - 11:02am (EST)

Give Thanks

2007-10-25T19:35:00.000-07:00

Give Thanks
Well, this week has been a week, I tell ya. I was reoffered my old part-time job that I loved. But, I don't know how to make it work. I can't imagine being on a job schedule with a baby.
Michael's Grandma had a stroke Sunday & she is being moved into a nursing home for rehab about 1/2 mile away from us.
And an old aquaintance & I were talking & I found out she had battled with breast cancer a few months ago. She was very upfront about it, there was no shyness or anything & she even told my sister & I to feel her regrowing hair that was about 1 cm long.
In all this, when I left Mike's parents house Sunday after the ambulance took Grandma & when Mary left on Tuesday, I could not believe how lucky we were & how small our problems really were in the light of everything around us. And embarrasingly enough, I can remember praying often for needs & not stopping often enough to say Thank you for letting us make it through another day without a major catastrophe.

Friday February 16, 2007 - 06:52pm (EST)

God Has been waiting patiently for you

2007-10-25T19:34:00.000-07:00

God has been waiting patiently for you

My sweet Michael will turn 30 this year. When I met him, he didn't really believe in God. He was very open to me how he had his doubts & said he didn't think there was a God. He gave the argument about why would babies die or get abused or be born with problems. Why would God allow bad things to happen to good people, and a lot of these questions, I didn't have many answers to. But, when we started attending our church, slowly he started processing different things & it took about 10 months for him to decide he knew he wanted to be saved. I am so proud of him for coming this far. The angels definately partied in heaven.
Wednesday February 14, 2007 - 04:29pm (EST)

Charlotte's special Day

2007-10-25T19:33:00.002-07:00

Charlotte's baptism

Char said she was nervous, but reminded me of an angel & looked completely at home folding her arms up there looking out at the church family. When she walked out, I can only say my heart leaped. She has shown me in her actions that she knows the significance of this. Her smile can make even the grumpiest person smile & I'm so proud to be her Momma.

Wednesday February 14, 2007 - 04:19pm (EST)

Special Day

2007-10-25T19:33:00.001-07:00

Special Day

On Sunday, February 11th 2007, our family had a really big day. A long awaited baptism, a surprise baptism & a baby dedication. God has really been working in our lives as a family & I can only wait with anticipation to see where he leads us. Michael had his baptism, Charlotte decided she wanted to be baptized & Lindsay had her dedication.
I will admit I haven't felt in the creative writing mood for the last week & a half. But, wanted to share a few pictures while I had a moment.

Hear My Cry

2007-10-25T19:32:00.000-07:00

Hear My Cry
February 4th, 2007
Because I'm tired & the house is peacefully quiet, I will not go on & on. In my heart, I found part of an answer tonight.
For several weeks now, I've wondered how would someone know when God was speaking to them. Sometimes I know, but when it's a grey area & I'm not sure if it's God or my own head, how do I really know?
During part of my evening routine I couldn't for the life of me remember the words to this song, but this part kept going through my mind "I don't know how but there's power when I'm on my knees". And I kept trying to get my "tomorrow" stuff in order & praying in my head everything I kept thinking while walking. But the further I put it off, the louder this part of the song played in my head. Finally, as I put in my retainer, I said okay. I will stop what I'm doing & do it.
I got on my knees & prayed. I laid everything I could think of out there. Anything that ever made me feel vulnerable about hurting. And wouldn't you know it...the dag gone cat wouldn't leave me alone. But, ignoring the cat, I fully feel as though I set everything on the line & left it in His hands. And when I said "Amen" & it was off my chest this hymn I hadn't heard in forever came to me:
"Hear my cry, O Lord. Attend unto my prayer. From the ends of the earth, will I cry out to Thee? And when my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I, that is higher than I."
Sunday February 4, 2007 - 11:10pm (EST)

Just Look at the Eyes

2007-10-25T19:31:00.000-07:00

Just look at the eyes

Well, there isn't really anything to say here. I just loved the picture.
Do you remember in the teen magazines all those quizzes? And then you'd get a score & find out your true type? Well, there's not much point to that other than I always loved what eyes said about people. You can tell so much by a person's mood by their eyes. You know whether to talk to them or back off. If they're tired or even beyond the uh-huhs...were the eyes with you, because you can respond & not know what you said. But if you look the person dead in the eye...it has gotten many a husband in trouble. You know when you've been given "The Look".
Well, Michael & Emma's eyes just look happy.

Friday February 2, 2007 - 05:27pm (EST)

Where Did the Time Go?

2007-10-25T19:30:00.002-07:00

Where did the time go?

My sweet Lindsay, you are 6 months old today. Every day I marvel at how fast the time has gone. I can only thank God for giving you to us.
When your sisters were born, I wrote them each letters describing their birth & how it was the days after they were born, & regrettably this time, time went too quickly. I didn't get it done. It was a lot different taking care of 3 then 2. And now, I wish I had've written it. So, today I decided to write it, better late than never & I would just have a little more to put in there.
You were what my friend would call an "unexpected blessing". But the day we found out about you, we knew it was more than that. You were someone special that God knew about long ago, He knew the pain that we would go through in December almost losing you, and had a very special plan in mind.
When you stopped breathing back in December, there was a second of anger that something so precious would be taken away. Then you came back, rolled your eyes up & began the seizure, it scared your Dad & I so badly. But, I fully believe with God's grace, whatever happened was a faith builder & we know with prayer all things are possible. We were put to the test & had to believe that God would take care of you and He did.
You bring such joy to our lives, We are so thankful you are here, even through the sleep deprived nights & stubbornness. You are loved.

Friday February 2, 2007 - 05:24pm (EST)

Stupid Cat

2007-10-25T19:30:00.001-07:00

Stupid Cat

Marge, Marge. Where did you go? We bring you in, you bolt out, in, then out. Michael & I agreed that you would have to stay in because you have no front claws.
Last night we found a clump in your back & when I peeled it off it was a scab covering what looked like 2 deep bite marks. Why would you go somewhere that you get hurt? We don't know what you're chewing on when you're out there or what you would bring back inside. It's so cold there aren't any birds to chase. You have run out of chances. I can't keep making excuses for a cat.
So, this morning when I was holding Lindsay, sending Char off to school & trying to figure out Emma, you bolted again. I think you're gone for good. Your Dad said you ran out of chances.

Your Divided Heart

2007-10-25T19:29:00.002-07:00

Your Divided Heart

So petite & smart, one of the top in your class. You show so much strength with other things. I knew the divorce turned your world upside down but you never showed any signs that you were this troubled. You went on laughing & smiling even through the worst of it. Now, almost 3 years later, when things are going more peacefully than ever, the trouble is beginning. Mom's are supposed to have all the answers, but I don't know what to do or how to help. You don't want to go to school. You're afraid I won't be here when you get home, but I've always been here. So, thru the tears, I gave in today. I let you stay home. You didn't care about your perfect attendance, you just wanted to stay with Mommy. You asked if I could homeschool you...how do I tell you I don't think it would work with the divorce situation. Dozens of times a day I hear "I Love You" and we always say it back, sometimes with hugs & kisses. What are you worried about? What's going on in your beautiful little head that brings you to tears every time you leave home? Your Dad said it's happening over there too. You said when you're here you miss Daddy & when you're there you miss Mommy. I just don't know how to help your divided heart. We all love you!

Purina Dog Chow

2007-10-25T19:29:00.001-07:00

Purina Dog Chow
For anyone who hasn't read this before, hope it makes you laugh ( I don't know who wrote it) :
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked me if I had a dog...Duh.
I was feeling a bit crabby, so on impulse I told her no, I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an Intensive Care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes bugged out of her head.
I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.
I said no......I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

Making the Right Choices

2007-10-25T19:28:00.000-07:00

Making the right choices
January 11th, 2007
One resolution I had this year was to become more financially responsible. Something that I am ashamed to admit, we have not been. We had the "We want it, we'll get it" attitude & that was that.
I knew after we had the baby & I stopped working, we'd struggle a little. We had no system. We weren't rich, but we should not have been in the position we were in. Our biggest problem was that we were so busy we rarely balanced our checkbook.
I had taken Financial Peace University, bought the books, seen Dave Ramsey live & got him to sign the book. But when Michael said to Dave almost 2 years ago "Were gonna try to become debt free" I heard the tires squeel in my head. Dave looked at Michael & said "Uh-huh. Well, good luck." I thought "Were gonna try?" That's like saying "I'm gonna try to lose weight...after McDonalds". There was no plan of action.
I have seen God work several times in our lives since August. After prayer asking God how we would make it, something has always come thru. It has literally been close to $10,000 worth of God's help, granted one was a car accident that scared the life out of me, but I took that as God telling me to stay home for a while (that's a different story). Please dont think we still have it. It went towards debt right away.
So, we have a budget now & a debt freedom goal. And we went grocery shopping with cash. I didn't buy the thick steak, I bought the $1.50 weiners. I can hear Dave in my ear at the stores now saying "Live like no one else now so you can live like no one else later"
All this to say, with faith, there's always hope for whatever situation.

Ode to Chocolate Chip Cookies

2007-10-25T19:27:00.002-07:00

Chocolate Chip Cookies

Ode to a chocolate chip cookie:
Oh chocolate chip cookie, why must you be so good.
Michael said "I want to make some chocolate chip cookies" I begged, and pleaded, "Please don't make them, if you make them I'll eat them." Did he listen? No.
Later, I came home from picking up the girls & the aroma of chocolate chip cookies baking hit us as we opened the door, to the girls delite. And I knew I would be a coward once again. I have no control over these. Just one chocolate chip on top of another. How can any chocolate lover resist such a cookie?
So, I have eaten them. For breakfast & lunch, snacks in between. And I fear when he gets home there will be no more, so he will make them again because he didn't get any.